I believe the 21st century will serve those who apprehend the skill of mutability. That those personalities, who at a moments notice can adapt to create a new personal paradigm shift, will find contentment easier. I believe that the winners in this century will encompass the skill of trading old templates in for new ones at the drop of a coin, able to re-think their stand and redesign their life-flow in an instant.
Unfortunately, some of us are not addressing the harsh realities (even the non-harsh ones) that can be forced upon us when situations change. We refuse to respond in a manner where we take the long game into account and continue on our semi-deluded way. In the realm of love and romance some of us still continue to manage our love lives in a manner that is also un-beneficial to us, where we gladly remain in some auto-pilot mode, subscribing to our ‘relationship grail’ or try to copy what we saw our parents do or how a celebrity lives when we can't realistically live like them. Even in the fortunate circumstances where kismet has allowed us to have met our ideal partner, we have all been guilty of not giving the prospect the time of day and it has usually been over an issue of personal preference that really shouldn't factor into the equation.
"What you should be looking for is a life mate to share this journey with and your relationship should be cultivated through love and friendship. "
People will do and have done for eons formed relationships for all manner of reasons that exclude love or at the very least a union of a strong friendship that could grow. This is not revelatory at all, as royals, members of the aristocracy and big business have been plying this trade for a long time. But when a relationship is forged out of financial, societal interest and the opposite of LOVE which is FEAR, this can only be a countdown to marriage Armageddon?
The Real Factors You Should Consider:
Like The Person You Are With
You’d think this was an obvious one right? But have you seen they way some partners treat each other? If you took out the sex, security and dispelled with the occasional showings of romance, would these people be together through thick and thin? Would they be that couple that are actually friends underneath everything? I don't know whom is to blame, perhaps media, but many people still think marriage is romance or somebody that comes in to your life to take care of the hard stuff for you. Well newsflash pal, you can’t have romance 24/7 and security is not guaranteed in any area of life - don't let that be a hard learnt lesson as part of what makes life, life is that it is subject to change. What you should be looking for is a life mate to share this journey with and your relationship should be cultivated through love and friendship. If you don’t think you can do that, don’t form a long lasting relationship because you are supposed to be adding to their life, that's right you're supposed to give first. Do you ever ask yourself what will I bring into their life if we unite? As ultimately you bring what you carry and what you carry has to be useful to you both. Money can come and go - you can hook up with the richest person in the world and their fortune can be destroyed through a number of means. In the end it will always be about the human to human relationship - otherwise just find a sponsor or housemaid which is what some people are really looking for.
Fear Factors: Afraid of being alone, loneliness, biological clock is ticking, need financial boost, need regular sex, insecurity, social/family pressure.
Finance pt.1: Be Realistic About The Times
Since it is no longer the 1920s and women have their own jobs, it is not necessary (and often not even a viable option) that the man be the one and only to take care of the entire financial landscape. Since this is supposed to be a partnership, why not take care of each other in all aspects. Why earn money if you are never going to use it.
Finance pt.2: Plan Your Financial Relationship
If anything can cause an argument in a relationship it's money, but let's face it money makes the possibility of the life you want real, so it should not be ignored. I suggest that if both people in the relationship are working, that they consider having 3 bank accounts. Each have a personal account and in addition have a joint account, with a fixed monthly contribution from each of you that is used to pay for all the bills. You don’t have to contribute the same amount, your contribution will depend on your personal income. The personal accounts are then used for other needs, emergencies, pleasures and wants.
Finance pt.3: Money As An Excuse…or Weapon
A relationship is not a free ride in any respect. Why are you looking to avoid paying for anything or do any work? In reverse paying for everything does not mean you have the right to control your partner and hold them hostage by being an economical tyrant.
Fear Factors: selfishness, own interests at heart, a need of financial buffer to make own plans.
Cultivate A Relationship That Makes Sense
Imagine being in a restaurant, you’ve finished eating and the bill has been brought to your table. For a 21st century relationship all of the following are acceptable:
a) He pays the bill and provides the tip
b) She pays the bill and provides the tip
c) One pays the bill the other provides the tip
d) They go completely Dutch.
As an established couple there is no need to plan who pays, it is not a competition to show who is rolling in money, who leads the relationship or an exercise in stinginess. If you want to take your partner out - do it! There are women who make good money who will never pay for a meal in their lives as if this is automatically the man’s department. If you subscribe to this, well this is just fine...as long as you can then accept all the other gender-politics that come of that era where the man takes control and leads. What would you like to start with? Giving up your career, being a housewife and doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and child rearing. You can't pick the gender politics from different era to just suit yourself. Women who switch to and fro like this confuse men and they'll leave or cheat on you.
Fear Factors: egocentricity, a need to control, no trust, selfishness, insecurity, social pressure to conform.
Stop Sparring And Talk
You can try to mix all the sexual politics of the 3 previous centuries in a relationship, but like I said, I think this causes confusion and often leads to manipulative game playing. Keep the dynamic as simple as it can be and as face-to-face as often, as 2nd hand communications can cause all manner of mis-understandings. Address your needs to each other not your best friends, not you parents - but each other and explain why the need for this way of living and why it's important you. If your partner can’t comply then you have some compromises to evolve or a much harder decision to make.
Fear Factors: egocentric, a need to control, no trust, selfishness, insecurity, social pressure to conform.
What Is Love To You?
Going back to number 1, it is not uncommon for men to have affairs or leave women because they can’t conceive children, for me this is inexcusable. Did you pick your wife-to-be for the sole reason of her bearing children? Why go through the whole rigmarole of a marriage… O because that was the decent thing to do – pah! I tell you your vows mean nothing! Pick your partner for them, not for what you think it will get you in the future, not for what you think you are owed, not for increased status, not for the appeasing of your pressure-piling family. If you really love them for them, you stand a better chance of lasting when the real pressures come.
Rich, royal and famous people who supposedly have it all have divorced, cheated, committed suicide, committed murder, have gone mad or have become addicts all because they married the wrong person. In the end we are all human and it's our humanity that needs taking care of.
Fear Factors: a need to create a family legacy, need of a financial boost, need of regular sex, insecurity, loneliness, social/family pressure.