Masters of the Universe
Truth be told, the sentiments of Skeletor aren't that far away from my own personal feelings in having to suffer some of the absolute foolishness that occurs on London's Underground. I really would like to drive out the memory of people's bad behaviour forever. I could mention the idiocy that happens on buses too, but my gripe with that kettle of fish is perhaps too similar for a separate session - except for the whole public puking thing, which people seem to find much more palatable to commit on buses.
People! Didn't your parents teach you some basic fundamentals in how to behave in public? If I got caught by my mum, doing some of the things I see on a regular basis, I'd get exiled to Ghana for re-training.
So let's have a look about what's eating D'L courtesy of TFL.
TOP 18 ANNOYANCES
1. How loud does your conversation have to be? And frankly why aren't you ashamed about discussing the intimate details of your sex life in public? We don't won't to hear it - keep it down.
2. If somebody is sitting between you and your friend, don't have a conversation across them, ask to swap seats!
3. We don't want to hear the tuneless drivel you call music coming from your phone, use headphones.
4. The fact that you think that you can clip your toenails in this type of public space, would indicate that you might have some sort of social disorder syndrome, so I'm not sure if telling you this is wrong will have any impact at all.
5. Painting your toenails is not the same as reading the paper, in fact let's put make-up and all nail maintenance in here as well - stop doing it on the tubes.
6. Drunkenness and everything it entails.
7. Smellyness - WASH! Damn It! You smell like a permanent fart. You think you don't smell because no one has mentioned it to you - THEY ARE BEING POLITE!
"...it's especially intimidating for women when a guy just eye stalks. Read a paper or take a photo and look at that instead, just stop looking at me like a serial killer."
9. Spitting; basically some sort of public execution should be put in place for people that spit on public transport, how can you even...I mean what is the...Never mind! Just bring forth the guillotine!
10. Put your blasted feet down, you don't put your shoes on at home and then step all over your sofa do you? Other people have to sit there after you. The total disregard because the seat is not your property to maintain, is mind-numbingly selfish and short-sighted - as it is your property and you pay for it.
11. Control your blasted kids, the tube is not an adventure playground and I am certainly not something to be climbed, bumped into or accidentally kicked. And parent, yes you! When one of those 3 things occurs, don't look at me with that dopey expression on your face as to see if it's okay - it is not okay - reign your kids in and apologize.
12. Don't worry my dog is friendly...meanwhile Zoltan - Hound of Dracula is trying to eat you for lunch. Friendly or not, anyone with a phobia of dogs will not care if your dog has saved little Billy from dying in a mineshaft and in general you should keep your dog attached to you and out of the way of everybody else when on the tube.
12. Staring; once I've established that there isn't a bogey hanging out of my nose, I'm not gonna be too pleased as to why you need to have a fixed gaze on my person. It's especially intimidating for women when a guy just eye stalks. Read a paper or take a photo and look at that instead, just stop looking at me like a serial killer.
13. Close your bloody legs! A crime seemingly to be only committed by blokes, some men will sit down and just open their legs really wide, making contact with other passenger's legs why? Have you got such a big pair of balls that you have to sit legs akimbo. Why is it on the tube people lose their sense of touch and feel - perverts the lot of ya!
14. Why is it that I'm not the one reading a newspaper, yet I can see one as if I am? Move or fold your paper from out of my eye line, once again you're in my space.
15. Luggage: travelling on the tubes with buggys, especially at rush hour is a mistake, allowed only by tourists. But if any native Londoner does this, then you deserve all the hardship and scorn you receive! People wearing rucksacks that are literally taking out other passengers too, well they should have their bags sewn to their backs! Yes, you read the statement correctly, if you are not going to acknowledge that the tube is too crowded for the bag to remain on your back then your only valid excuse is that the bag is your back!
16. Whether you are yawning, coughing or sneezing - ALL these actions deserve your hand being put in front of your gob. We don't want to see what you had for lunch or become diseased from your oral projection.
17. Food, stop throwing food around!
18. Singing...I can't even be bothered anymore - where is Skeletor!?