The initial idea of the 90 day, no-sex rule, if we are honest was squarely aimed at women and was created as a means for them to establish whether a man's intentions were serious or not. In addition, you can't ignore that there is also the shadow of a morality issue that hangs overhead, as part of the larger conversation overtly suggests that respectable women don't have sex early on in relationships. But the real question in all of this speculatory theory is; does any of it actually work or do the principals need revising?
Where Does The 'Waiting' Principle Come From?
Throughout time; socialisation through chivalry, morality and religion have always had a strong say in how we conduct our sex lives and as with all doctrines and principles, useful or not, somewhere along the line they can become twisted, out of date, oppressive, corrupted and even contrived. Since the formal public mentioning of the 90 day rule was brought into the mainstream by TV presenter/comedian Steve Harvey, people all over the world have been employing it in a bid to find true love with mixed results. Some have found success with it, others have not affected any change at all, but the real shame would be to adhere to the rigid 'clock' and end up forsaking a glaringly obvious meant-to-be connection. Imagine ruining what should have been the summit of a key moment in the building of your relationship, all because the calendar said "not yet". And so in my opinion, there needs to be a common sense flexibility attached to the proceedings.
The Unasked Question About Sex
Believe it or not, I for one am not against waiting 90 days, in fact it could be even longer, but it could also be shorter - it depends on the person I am dealing with and how quickly we delve into each others lives. 90 Days where you only see that person 15 times, is different to 90 days where you see that person 60 times. And yes, I am a man that doesn't want to rush into sex if I am serious about a person, but not out of any rules related to chivalry, morality or religion. 'Waiting' is not (should not) create the absence of something, the main goal isn't about bedding her. If that is the main focus or if that is all someone can think about, then the entirety of the person you are dealing with away from sexual activity, is clearly not enough to hold you and coupling is a bad idea. As a couple, can you be 100% functional without the sex - in essence what I really want to know is: Who Are We Together If There Is No Sex?
Sensible Reasons To Wait
Who The Hell Are You? In the area of work and business, companies will perform entire background checks on potential employees because the wrong person can disrupt workflow or cause financial upheaval and we as candidates don't mind this. But for some reason when it comes to our social lives, too many of us will let our emotions take us away and we will involve ourselves with any yahoo because we are on a high. In not investigating early on, we then go on to find out all manner of things that we would never support or condone...like our 'partner' being an active criminal or being actively married. You can't find out all these things in a week, especially if you don't have the resources of MI5. Ultimately, waiting gives us the chance to discern and dissect their life and examine their behaviour to see if we are in any capacity really compatible.
Unforeseen Consequences: STIs, STDs, pregnancy, heartbreak, drama. There are talk shows that have thrived because early, but mostly irresponsible sex, was had leading to dysfunction spreading to multiple lives. If you weigh the two against each other (irresponsible sex vs no sex) you know that the latter is ultimately the formula for peace, as the road not travelled is better than an exhilarating drive that ultimately leads to a car crash.
Emotional Insurance: When you lay me down to sex, I wanna feel comfortable and not that your gonna be worse than my ex. Peace of mind is not to be scoffed at! Not all people are good at having sex or ready to receive it, when they don't feel comfortable. Is sex an enjoyable experience when it is rushed and you feel rigid from the unfamiliarity or from not being able to ask for what you truly like? Why do we place so much emphasis on the physical encounter? Answer - because it feels soooo good! But, no fully realised relationship can be based on one thing. Sex feels good. Love is a nice feeling. Lust is a strong feeling that feels great when it is quenched. But none of those feelings are pragmatic for a long term union. None of these elements alone allow you to sustain a relationship. Boredom can easily settle in when you've completed the physical joy, especially when you have no real connection. The joining of 2 personalities that really know each other, their spirits, their souls and their higher emotions is the summit of a sexual joining. In fact, the lack of a true bond can send you in the opposite directions from the feeling of being oddly lonely and feeling cold.
Does The 90 Day Rule Work?
The very reason I am calling for a remix or at least some flexibility, is that one rigid rule will bring about different reactions in the person you try to impose them on. Some men will like it. Some men will hate it. Some men will think it's some sort of feminist political movement (the irony) and some men will think it's a means of control...which it is, but not a negative one. But observe this - whatever their response is, it does not determine the calibre of the man they are - this can only be decided by their actions. One of my favourite male responses to the 90 day rule that influenced this article was: “It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. It’s like women think if a man waits 90 days then it means he is going to marry them. Women don’t get that some men will wait 900 days, hit it, and still quit it. That thinking is all wrong. If he wants to be with you then time doesn’t matter.“ Sourced from Fierce Daily.com
Creating Your Own Remix
So what do you do with that type of man? A man who is willing to wait until the dinosaurs reappear back on Earth in order to have sex with you and then bounce. The technique employed to protect yourself against the very thing you don't want seems redundant with this type of psychological profile. I mean whilst he is waiting, he could be easily seeing multiple women on the side to fulfil his current desires. I have no grand answer for this, except during the 90 days...or however long you make him wait, you have to investigate, you have to probe - do not be entertained into a relationship. "Oh he bought me this, he took me there" blah, blah, blah. When women talk about men being chivalrous and opening doors and pushing their chair in for them during dinner, ask yourself this; do they act like this when you're at home alone? If he wouldn't do it in private, don't get so caught up when they do it in public, it's a contrived action that doesn't mean anything by itself. The good signs you should be looking out for are; respect, honesty (especially when it makes them look vulnerable or weak) accountability, a vision for the future that is genuine (not some regurgitated soundbite), a willingness to do and transparency. Look for these things and if you are satisfied and the sex organically comes about, then it shouldn't matter too much when you have it...but still, don't be an eager beaver because some men have rehearsed those very faux principles in order to lull you into lowering your defences.
WAS THE PROBLEM HERE THE RULE OR THE MAN OR SOMETHING ELSE?
When your love life begins to dry up and you are constantly refused sex from your partner, there may be an underlying reason that needs dealing with...
So what's gone wrong? Who knows? I'm telling you - you do. Yes, there could be a thousand reasons for the drought, but the excuses your partner gives, to opt out of sex, will be riddled with clues. Sex is one of the most physically intimate and enjoyable activities you can do with another person, so if your partner is denying you and themselves this awesome pleasure, then the 'something' that is wrong is probably outside of the sex itself and that's where your investigation should begin.
"Since when, could you not have sex during the week? The answer of course is never!"
Your mission, if you decide to accept, is to rectify the overall problem, rather than just try and bypass the symptoms. Getting told 'no' all the time or getting reluctant, dispassionate sex will eventually take its toll on you too. But dealing with the root cause, will lead both of you back to emotionally connecting with each other again. Sex then becomes a viable platform to express your love or lust but more importantly, the sex will come of a true desire to have and enjoy each other.
MONDAY NIGHT: The Food Fallacy "Are you serious, I had a chilli dog for lunch ok, I'm a little bloated".
As excuses go, this is very poor, but as long as she can find any reason to say 'no' to you, this is what she will keep on doing - why? Well there is no exciting build up. Think of how many times you have had sex with this person and are going to in the future. It can't always be random, sometimes there has to be a narrative to lead to sex, to make the whole experience exciting. I know what you're thinking, as men we don't need this, but oblige your ladies. Read a romance novel aimed at women and realise that the sex is the conclusion to a massive prologue of interaction first.
THE SOLUTION: Romance. Think of a way to court your partner, with the finale leading to sex/love. But even after the deed, keep up the narrative so it becomes a cherished memory. Obviously we can't always do this in life, but every so often, a narrative will add spark to the proceedings and let her know that she is appreciated.
TUESDAY NIGHT: Laundry Life "I did like 18 loads of laundry today, no exaggeration".
House work is tiring and sometimes endless. By the time you have got one thing done, there is another chore waiting for you. It's monotonous, it's boring and it's constant. After a day of doing this and wanting to just rest, a segue into sex may be the last thing on her mind.
THE SOLUTION: HELP HER! Yes it's that simple, help your partner with the chores, let them know you are a team and that you appreciate what they do. Having your partner's back will bring you closer together and make your bond stronger...hey, sex may happen as you actually do the chores together!
WEDNESDAY NIGHT: Smelly Jenny "I haven't showered in 3 days and I smell like a, bag of onions."
Either she feels un-sexy and unmotivated to be so or she is deliberately making herself unsexy so you won't want her. Either way, what she wants is love and affection in her life and these two elements can't always be given as a bridge to sex. The cuddling comment is vital clue to the loving part, as you can cuddle intimately and not have it precede sex. Love her without sex being part of the bargain.
THE SOLUTION: Create dates and situations where you have to dress up and be elegant, don't take her to the cinema, take her to the opera or a place that requires you to be sleek and stylish. In and around that, treat her as if you've just met her, where that spark of lust, desire and love was at its highest. Adore her accordingly and remember although it has its place, routine can be the protocol of the dull!
THURSDAY NIGHT: Pant Wars "Are you serious? It's a school night. Those are my pants, not your pants, can I help you?!"
Since when, could you not have sex during the week? The answer of course is never! Thursday's problem is a cross between Monday and Tuesday's scenario. Access and the desire for sex is cultivated through everything you do in your relationship to garner reverence and appreciation. 'It's a school night' may be a reference to having so much to take care of independently of your help during the working week, that once again she is knackered and doesn't feel like doing anything...well anything with you. She may even resent you for not understanding how she feels in the first place.
THE SOLUTION: See Monday and Tuesday's remedy...
FRIDAY NIGHT: The Quickie Ultimatum "I can give you maybe five minutes of my time...and you need you to be fast".
This is 'fob off' sex. Just to get you off her back, your partner is willing to lend her body to you, to either shut you up or momentarily satisfy your desire, this is not a good situation to be in. She doesn't want to have sex with you, but she might feel the tiny tiniest guilt for depriving you.
THE SOLUTION: You have to make sex be an event again for the both of you. New moves, role play, dressing up - whatever gets her and you going has to feature. You can't go straight into this though, you have to go through some or all of the remedies mentioned first from the other days of the week. When things get better, you can then have a conversation about your sex life and let the fun and games begin.
Making a list was not intentional. I mean, it's not exactly something that men tend to do. But if you're relationships aren't going the distance, then by someway of a natural process of elimination, you start to discover what it is you truly need from a partner...as well as what you don't. Here are 10 of my/our most desired attributes.
Before Making Your List
Before sitting down to consider what you need (note I said need not want) we must always look at ourselves first. Oh yes, an HONEST self-examination is a must. I like to look at this process of self-consultation, as a debriefing tool that will serve to inform my new attempts at love. I ask myself many, many questions, such as: What went wrong the last time? What factors led to the break? How can I do things differently? What type of woman would I be in agreement with? You don't actually have to have definitive answers. What you are trying to develop, is a sense of awareness about yourself, that should hopefully seep into your everyday consciousness. In turn, this should improve the decisions that you make in your real life interactions. We have all come across people that we found instantly attractive, but we need to train ourselves to say 'we don't match' when we clearly don't. Admittedly, there is no exact formula to all this and sometimes we do need to be a bit more flexible, but we should at the very least, begin to recognise our self-sabotaging patterns and delete them from our matrix. A very young man, may initially come out with foolishness like 'she has to have big boobs' on their list, but after you have sampled that and done some growing up, you will quickly find out, that big boobs are not conducive to the survival of any relationship, but the following probably are...
1. The 'Us' Principle
To think about your partner and yourself as one, is a state of mind that some can slide into naturally. Others have to make a concerted effort to switch into this mode, finding it quite problematic. When you have been single for a long time and you are use to doing what you want, when you want, without having to confer or answer to anyone, this new way of thinking can be hard to adopt. But in order for a union to survive, many personal decisions, decisions that are only about you, still have to factor-in your current relationship status. For example, a new opportunity arises at work and it could offer you a new and better life. It would seem like the obvious road to take, right? But taking that the job would see you needing to significantly relocate, what impact will it have on your relationship? Ultimately, do you think about your partner and yourself as a unit or being separate? Big decisions that change your lifestyle cannot be made in isolation of your partner.
2. I Don't Drink But...
I don't expect my partner to be a tea total just because I don't drink and though it would be preferable, it's not a deal breaker. So why is this even a factor? Because for some people, alcohol is a superpower serum that allows their true character to come out. I am not looking for someone who is wearing a mask and one so tight, that in order to pull it off and show me the real them, they have to consume alcohol or any other drug.
3. No Smoking Allowed
Whether it be a cigar, cigarette or weed, they are all deal breakers- I can't stand them and so I don't tolerate them.
4. Must Be Interested In Science Fiction Or Fantasy
It might seem like an oddball request. But in spending a lot of time interacting with these genres for entertainment, you will find that fans of these particular genres, show an open imagination in life, a willingness to explore the unknown and a sense of fun through fantasy. All these things inspire other parts of your life creatively and I want a partner than can bring creativity and reinvention to our relationship.
5. Balancing The Force
We can place too much emphasis on things that are not important. This is not to say that you cannot be heavily into some said thing and not maintain the rest of your life well. But if this thing you're into, outweighs the more practical endeavours in everyday life, then to me there is an imbalance. For example. Let's say you were into nail fashion and everything that surrounds it. For me it makes no sense that you would put time and resources into this, yet you can't cook a single meal or are willing to learn how to. If your nails don't get done or end up in the worst state, your world won't end. But if you skip enough meals, you're going to become ill.
6. Know The Man Your With
If there is one thing I do know about myself, it is that my personality is consistent...for a Gemini. I will always be the person that I really am in public and private. I won't necessarily display every emotion I am going through, but I won't fake a version of myself for anybody. In saying all this, I expect my partner to be the same and to cultivate a genuine rapport with me, understanding who I am on all my levels. Communication is one thing, honest communication is another. It is noteworthy to remember that our responses are often a reflection of how we are being treated, so before you say "O, I thought he was a really lovely guy, but he turned out to be a barbarian", check yourself to see if you did anything to inspire the change.
7. Abandon All Sith Practices
Manipulation; to twist, to bend, to alter from a set course, is one of the most destructive forces in the world. To come openly and forthrightly to induce a change - for better or worse is different. I can appreciate that honesty, if the person is not being rude. But true manipulation operates in the shadows. It is the unseen agenda in which you try to attain something by an insidious manner, without the care of what it will do to the other person. There are relationships based entirely on this method of being, driven by narcissistic desire. This does not set the tone for joy and happiness. Gardens don't tend to grow in the desert and planting seeds in a barren landscape of your making is an epic waste of time.
8. Free Spirited
There is a general misunderstanding of what being a free spirit is. People tend to think it means that you can simply go where you want, do what you want, when you want, even at the expense of other people. That is what I call being selfish. If we all did that there would be a lot more skirmishes, a rise in the criminal population and we might be ushering in a new war every 2 weeks. No, a free spirit, is someone who operates out of liberation - liberation from their own barriers. They know themselves, they have overcome their biggest opponent - them! You'll recognise these people as they are usually crazy, light, avant-garde, weird, bizarre, free, loose and happy even during life's storms. The importance of this personality is that you will always truly see the person in front of you. There is no pretence or a contrived way of being, there is just the outpouring of their truth 24/7.
9. Fluidity ∞ Synchronicity
What happens when an immovable object, meets an unstoppable force? The answer is hell. Whichever of the 2 'characters' you are, understand that all living things are subject to change. A relationship must grow, develop and reconstitute its parameters or it will die. Fluidity & Synchronicity I think are near opposites to the alternative.
10. Have Value For Air, Energy, Food, Water, The Earth, Sex, Themselves.
I'm no eco-warrior, but I try to value all the things that sustain me and my environment. Art, creativity and positive cultural experiences are what I try to sew and grow in. I want someone who's natural instinct is to be positive and promote that through their being. Someone who is solution-orientated and not afraid to stand up to oppression and tyranny, even if it's in the simplest of ways. I want someone who will prioritise being happy and knows that it doesn't come from materialistic gain or public acclaim.
These Are The Things That Factor In Naturally
They Shouldn't Actually Be Discussion Points
1. Be Physically Attractive
2. Have A Complementary Personality
3. Have A Complementary Ideology
THE TRICK TRAITS
These Are The Things Held Up In High
Regard But Need To Be Looked At Closer...
Case Study: Ambition
Not being ambitious, does not make you lazy. There are levels to ambition and it is up to everyone to pick how far they are willing to go, since it will be them handling what comes their way. For example, imagine being in a company with 10 levels, you have reached the 5th. You love your job, you have enough variety in your work to keep you stimulated and you get paid well. Some would criticise you for not wanting to go to a higher level, where you will have greater power and receive more money. But what are the potential consequences to your relationship if you take on more work?
1. Working longer hours means you're not at home as much or available for social interactions with your partner/kids.
2. You'll be more tired and stressed, so when you are at home, you'll just want to rest.
3. You'll be spending a significant amount of time with co-workers, which builds relationships...all I'm saying here is that a lot of affairs have sprung out of continuous interaction and proximity, not from a desire for adventure or to cheat. How much time does your partner spend with their workmates, in comparison to you?
4. Your health can take a plummet, not necessarily to a serious outcome, but laying on a beach with your partner in Hawaii, is less likely to induce hair loss, ulcers or a heart condition.
5. There are the case studies of life! Research the rich and famous; people who have achieved the heights of fame, power, money, influence in their chosen career. And see how the maintaining of that lifestyle has led many of them to some very dark corners of their existence. The question on forcefully wanting someone to be ambitious is this: is it truly for their benefit or yours.
Having graduated from the Home Page, RC and IK are now embarking on their own blogging adventures to examine the world of social curiosities and romantic anthropology.