...isn't this just the crux of what being with somebody is about? That you have found another being that you would like to share your personal legend with. This doesn't mean you're to become joined at the hip, and surely achieving synchronicity doesn't have to equal the death of your individuality. But in advance of our 'unions' we must be first vigilant of our frailties and not seek to acquire a 'long term' relationship to; battle loneliness or to give ourselves something to do when not working or to have access to regular sex or just to find someone decent enough to breed with. These are not factors that promote a sustained, long term unity. If anything they are temporary arrangements to get you through your current lull. As individuals go through personal changes, compatibility issues will arise and expose just how out of sync you are with each other. Companionship is a decision born of believing that you want to have a sustained attachment to someone, to the degree that you want them to be around you and share your world. You may fall in love, but a relationship is something you consciously walk into.
The Pillar Of Affection
It might seem harsh to say this, but if you have trouble expressing love, then you are not emotionally developed enough to put yourself out there for a functional relationship. If you are getting married for business reasons or to align bloodlines, go ahead and knock yourselves out. But for most of us non-royals, who will count on that feeling of love, as our guiding compass to 'the one', having it openly acknowledged (from their side) and openly reciprocated is kinda key. I mean yes, you could truly be one of the nicest people in the world, but being that person way deep, down inside of yourself, where no one can receive your royal niceness, is wholly useless. Actual relationships are not based on the perception of who your partner could be, that happens in the initial attraction stages, when you are projecting your hopes and fears on a stranger you fancy. Beyond introductory post-dating and into an exclusive relationship, you and your emotions need to show up more than 2 times a year. Grand and obvious displays of affection for your partner reserved for special occasions doesn't cut it either, as Valentine's and birthdays happen but once a year. Give your honest emotions to that someone on a daily basis, be open. Put your heart out there on the line...every single day. You don't have to say "I Love You" all the damn time, just show it instead. Even a pet dog can show affection everyday!
A dynamic, fast moving world will ask much of you and that request will tax your energy. Most people won't falter at their job and will give what is demanded because if they don't they will lose it. But that same concentration and applied vibrancy is often disregarded when it comes to giving energy to your partner. Why? Because we can take them for granted. That strength you exude at work, in just saying hello to your colleagues, cannot be a much stronger than the greeting you give your partner. Do not misunderstand. This is not about volume, it is about intention and genuine connectivity. A giving of energy is not about delivering a physically, powerful aura. It's about connecting on the same bandwidth or even switching theirs (because they might have had a bad day) to yours (or vice versa) and syncing with each other. I give you the best of me, you give me the best of you - it can be very gentle or it can be be monumental, either way, you have to give each other the observance of where you are in the present and promote a will of good energy. In seeing your partner stressed, hurt or just in a bad way, allow your energy to counter their bad vibes with loving alchemy so you can change it. Forget about turning coal into gold, change melancholy into joy. Say hello whilst looking your partner in the eye, rather than bye as you yell it from a distance, walking out the front door...to go to work.
The Tactile Pillar
We are sensory beings, we need touch! It has been documented that a 20 second hug releases the oxytocin hormone into the body, which is considered as the hormone that promotes bonding. This means that the body registers longlasting (and permitted) touch as a needed stimulant. Oxytocin is often described as the love hormone and its highest levels are usually seen in the first 6 months of a relationship. To be hugged, stroked, caressed, tickled (sometimes), brushed upon, pinched, even slapped (getting a bit kinky here) and massaged all awaken the body and mind and increase connection directly to the person who is doing these things to you. This doesn't have to be a prelude to sex, but whether in front of the TV, as they read a book or in the kitchen as they cook, stroking your partners neck or kissing your partner on the shoulder shows a sweet, everyday, nurturing love.
"Don't come home to piss your partner off, rile up the kids and change the established peace and happiness to doom and gloom."
The Pillar Of Communication
One of the first things my Communications teacher taught me; was that the sender of a message can be the receiver and the receiver of a message could in fact be the sender...well duuh! Isn't that obvious? Well it would seem not. Very often in relationships, we want our partner to just know things, things that are way beyond connecting a few obvious dots together and coming to an obvious conclusion. "Well if they loved me, they would just know." Really? Look, telepathy between partners is a thing, (as you will read when you get to the last pillar) but it
(a) You can just ask/tell your partner anything
(b) You realise that you can't always ask the advice of others
(c) You believe the answer your partner gives you.
I know the above isn't always easy to achieve, people are sensitive, people have gotten use to communicating a certain way and the changeover isn't always comfortable. When those methods are employed, you will be guaranteed a lot more understanding and a lot less angst. A side note on the intricacies of talking to each other; the term 'passive aggressive' seems to crop up a lot, in misuse. Somebody trying to tell you something in a subtle manner or through hinting is not being passive aggressive, what they are not being is direct. Sometimes when you know how sensitive your partner is and you don't want to hurt them, you end up going around the houses, taking the scenic route in trying to deliver your message. If you do this badly they will either not know what the hell you are trying to say or not pick up that you are trying to say anything profound in the first place. Whereas telling somebody something, to deliberately hurt them, but in a backhanded way, falls right under the passive aggressive banner, in terms of verbal communication...but you can also be passive aggressive without saying a word. For a brilliant definition of passive aggressive behaviour click Me.
Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Yeah you look fine, but you could do with losing some weight.
So what you really meant was 'No, I don't think you look fine in that dress because I think you're too fat for it'.
The non-passive aggressive way would have been:
Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Babe, you've put on a bit of weight since you last wore it, so it looks a bit too tight. I would wear the (fill in the gap), as you always look smoking hot in that one.
He told the truth, but didn't cut her with it and he also gave her an alternative which came with praise.
The aggressive way.
Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Oh my God, you look terrible. How have you gotten so fat! The dress makes you look hideous, you need to lose weight like yesterday.
Berate, cut, demean, totally unnecessary.
It is understandable that there will not be an automatic fusion of lifestyle, family and friends, when a couple makes stronger ties. And truthfully, it's good to own a few hobbies/interests that solely belong to you. But consider this, if it is important to you, then it will probably be important to them, because it's important to you. Have you ever been in that situation, where you are being asked/told about your partner and you can't testify to anything that friends/family are saying because you have no knowledge about this aspect of your partner's life? Hey, it really isn't the end of the world from your side, but at the same time, being excluded never makes anyone feel good. Consider how your partner might feel, especially when non-entities seem to be in the know, yet the partner is in the dark. Where is their relevance in your life? Don't tell me let them know!
The Pillar Of Reverence
In short, reverence is the respect and honour you have for your partner and what you are cultivating together. Reverence is a universal code, throughout many aspects of life. For example in many martial art customs, you can't even walk into the place of training without flipping your attitude first. You have to make a conscious effort to become respectful and obedient in mind and therefore in action. Before you enter the training room, you bow out of respect. When you enter, you enter the room calmly which sets up your mind for how you will behave throughout the class. In our homes, people can come through the front door like they are being chased by ninjas and a tornado. They storm in and it's all noise and bluster. They throw all of their clobber in
This is not as Scanners as it sounds. Very often couples finish each other's words, they have the same thoughts about things and they can even independently, initiate actions that back their partners up from afar. It is not magic or science, it is harmony, you have reached the level where you have established a meta-physical rhythm and you just know things without knowing why. Well, that is not completely true, truth be told you have seen each other's patterns and you have an understanding of each other's likes and dislikes. You have bathed in each others energies time and time again, seen your partners reactions to particular stimuli and now your mind, has built up a dossier of information. You are part of them and they are part of you and combined, your synchronicity has turned into something beyond mere pattern recognition. This is a testament to getting the other 7 pillars correctly in place, so that this 8th one can manifest.