Category: Self Help

Money From Misery: Destablising The Female Image

29/5/2019

Every so often, we hear a woman's individual story of defiance and non-compliance, in a rage against navigating the waters of beauty standard policing. But my wish as a unified front, is to see women attack the more insidious issue that is never really talked about - the subtle to blatant capitalisation of her body-misery, for profit.

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION

For years I've often wondered why I didn't know a single woman that fully liked her body and it occurred to me that perhaps the obsession and constant policing from society at large, would drive any person to be overly critical about themselves. With such a razor sharp focus and a list of penalties to inflict and ridicule a person if they don't fit the annoyingly mutable standards, it's no wonder that some people have lost their minds in the attempt to be 'beautiful'. I say "person" rather than woman in the second instance because I have to acknowledge, that even within the male sector, though the gaze isn't just focussed so much on how we physically look, there is that pressure too. I myself have been turned down before for not being sexy enough or I should say a "sex on legs" type. But for the most part, men are measured on who we are amongst other men and what expensive things we own which is an ancient signal to being a resourceful provider, an attribute and ritual often found to work the same way in the animal kingdom. Men with a certain status are revered, whilst women with a certain body type (per culture) are praised and yes, this is initially to do with finding the best mate to procreate with, but beyond our hardwired biological responses to each other, we have to admit, we have gone crazy about our physical features and women receive and are forced to live with the worst of this physical mania.

Would this photo manifest pressure? I see the construction of the art in all its aspects, but are these 'made to look natural' images a problem for some, when they should recognise that there is a whole team behind this image.

CREATE THE DELUSION, EXPLOIT THE DELUSION

So where does the idea, of the ideal female body come from? I mean there are approximately 3.7billion women in the world, how do you decide from all the shapes and sizes that a body can have, that this particular form is the number one. And more importantly which council of nitwits are making these decisions? My belief for any standard existing at all, is for reason of profit, as there are products and services, within the range of beauty, fashion and body hacks that cover the ENTIRE female body - I mean literally from head to toe. Men in comparison are not held hostage to that part of their image so vehemently in comparison. So why is it that I as a man don't feel the need to have long eyelashes to seem more handsome? Because a man's natural delusion and path to being loved doesn't lie in the same box as a woman's. Our delusion is usually about a display of wealth and ownership - driving a nice car or wearing an expensive watch or having a good job apparently makes us somebody, that is how we make our body beautiful, those are our eyelashes.

What is beauty anyway? Per culture, different things are admired.

THE OBJECTIFICATION FACTORY

It would seem that within the realm of womanhood, it is extremely important to sew discontent and destabilise any neutrality about the body. Every part of her must be subject to baring a fault that can be remedied with a product. Destroy her self-esteem and then offer the temporary and costly solutions to build it up. The 'assets' of a woman must be broken down with acute purpose so that there are several avenues of revenue that come from her: hair, eyes, ears, nose, lips, cheeks, chin, throat, neck, breasts, mid back, arms (biceps, triceps and elbows), hands, nails, hips, stomach/waist, bum, vagina, thighs, knees, feet, toes and skin. Would I be wrong in saying that there is a product or service (away from health care), that exists for all these areas of the body, that supposedly will make you look better? And just for fun, ask yourself if there are male equivalents. From panty girdles and wonder bras, to botox and contour techniques and plastic surgery. Everyone that markets these products, has to get you to buy into the false fact that you, as you are, are not good enough or you're just okay, but you could be improved. These manufactures are not providing solutions to real problems, they are creating the 'problems' and selling you a remedy.

When the mirror just becomes an amplification of everything you think is wrong with you.

STAB THEIR SELF-ESTEEM

The fashion industry has a similar practice that also works on low self-esteem. If you don't feel that you are of worth, then a highly praised label or item attached to your body is a step to upgrading it. And if a celebrity wears or endorses it, then the power-up is of a greater magnitude. The vanity of human beings knows no bounds, how do we know this? Well the most expensive belt in the world costs $249,000 (£192,246). People, hear me: if I was a billionaire, I wouldn't by a belt for over £20 unless it had some sort of application on it, on par with Batman's utility belt. But this is where our desperation fails us, we want to be accepted, loved and admired, but our fear of that absence drives us to operating within a matrix that is actually bonkers. Occasionally, people escape from the matrix and when they declare that there is another 'world' that we can all inhabit, free of pressure and shame, that person often gets ridiculed. You know I'm not making this up because you know about Alicia Keys who transitioned to being more natural with her face, dealing with her own issues surrounding her body and she got lambasted for it - mostly by women. How can you have a problem with someone who wants to display the face they were born with or rock the hair that naturally comes out of their own scalp? Like I said - bonkers.

TRICK THEN TREAT(MENT)

The whole idea of one perfect form is absurd all by itself - are all women really supposed to have a certain shape body, breast size, lips and a thigh gap...a thigh gap is that not one of the most ludicrous body goals to have for the sake of acceptance? If your thighs cause a horrible friction and irritation from rubbing, then I get the desire to make them thinner, but beyond that alleviation, it's a weird focus that no man would have even thought was a factor to anyone's beauty. Then again, as a man outside of the war zone, I do view the entire stage as an enforced competition with new focuses invented for further destablisation. What is the prize from this acceptance? Is there is a promise of admiration and love, but does it really work out that way? No because the opposite of love is fear and fear is leading your decisions.

Someone Is Altering The Reality

PROGRAMMING THE VICTIMS

I am willing to bet, that you could pretty much ask any woman what she doesn't like about her body and she will reel off some list of answers as if she had rehearsed her response. Yet very often from the male perspective - we didn't even know that element of 'body design' was an issue and even more perplexing to us, is when the very things that a woman will list as her faults, are the very parts of the body that men are admiring to the point of objectification. Men are doing the Marty McFly (Back To The Future) head turns, full body pivot to take a second and third look at you, yet the overriding power is so powerful, that it can make somebody detest about themselves, all the things that capture admiration from others. Now that is serious societal programming.

FEEDING FEAR INTO THE PSYCHE
Where did the idea of the beach body come from? This one type of body that is permissible to be seen semi-naked. If you type in "Beach Body" on Google, you will find books, videos, online courses, fitness apps all ready to get you looking good...for a price. The beach body is code for 'good' 'acceptable' 'admired' 'loved'. In fact replace "beach" with the four alternatives and tell me if those sentiments are not what is trying to be expressed as the selling point. The truth is, there is no beach body, summer body, there is just the body. If you only workout and eat properly seasonally, to look better whatever the hell that is to you, then you have no real love for your body, what you have is the fear and contempt of being criticised or ridiculed. Ergo your painful, frustrating seasonal transformational missions are actually for the sake of other people, not yourself. The moment you give up on everybody else's standard and truly find your own, you'll find happiness and contentment through your freedom. I know, I know it sounds corny as hell, but as Chris Cornell sang "If you are free, you'll never see the walls."

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The Counter Method - 5 Relationship Rules To Dump

19/9/2016

If it's a rule that doesn't work, if it's a method that escalates the woe, then perhaps you need to get rid of it. Here are 5 seemingly normal relationship practices you might be able to do without.

Rules Were Meant To Be Broken...

1. Send Him To The Couch / I'm Sleeping At My Friends House
I often wonder if some of our practices come from real life or a mimicry of art, in particular the TV soap. A dispute breaks out over some said issue, there is an argument, harsh words are said, in some cases, things that aren't meant, are flung out with ferocity and venom. Both parties are potentially in a fury and suddenly can't stand to be with each other and so the man is usually exiled from the bedroom, if he himself doesn't do it voluntarily or the women says she is staying elsewhere.

The Problem And Solution To This
I completely understand the need to cool down. And I understand that the continued presence of the person getting you riled up is not exactly helping. But I bet, if you had a dispute at work with a colleague, you would still have enough maturity to maintain focus on the objective and still work with them right? So within coupledom, 15mins of separation is enough, that is an actual rule you should employ. But a complete detachment after having such an emotional collision is a step into uncertainty. Now separated, you are probably going to want to know what the other person is thinking, what they are doing and what they are going to do. All of the things that should be in a conversation...that you now can't have. Currently hurt, you may end up doing something that you'll later regret, hey it happens. So I say, if ever there was a time, that you should want your partner to be close to you, it's 20mins after that argument. When you share a bed, you share everything, good and bad. An argument shouldn't have you retreat to separate corners throughout the whole night, until the next day! If your emotions are high, the place you need to retreat to is calmness - whilst the other person is still in your presence. Although hard to do, this is the higher practice.

2. He's The Man, So He Has To Lead...In Everything
I know some men and women who wouldn't have it any other way and if it works - cool. But for some of us, it's bloody tiring. Can't we have a partnership? Even if it is uneven, there are plenty of men who don't mind occasionally riding shotgun instead.

The Problem And Solution To This
Personally, in order to have every decision and direction come from my partner and me be okay about it, I would have to see, that they had my absolute best interests at heart. And this would require them to know me inside out. To date, I haven't met that person yet. The good thing about sharing leadership, is that it grows an appreciation for what the other person has to go through. It also allows the other person to see what you are interested in, what you are capable of doing and it can even lead to you understanding them better. Imagine being the one who has to always initiates sex. One might think your partner didn't love you, as they never communicated that desire. On top of that, imagine always having to decide, what you're eating, where you shop, where you socialise, where you dine out, where you live, where the kids will go to school, where you will go on holiday. Good grief, you'd need 4 holidays a year to deal with the burden! Besides that, think of the boredom. I don't want a non-inputting, compliant robot-wife who just does my bidding, I want some interaction. This type of woman can bore a man, who really isn't trying to live some patriarchal, Stepford Wives fantasy.

3. Romance Is His Responsibility
I put this after no.2 deliberately because it relates. It's kinda like a sub-section. I think I understand why this particular situation comes about, but after awhile, this rule has to be recalibrated. In the initial meeting of someone we are attracted to and want to get to know, it is the man, within our unwritten social rule book, that usually pursues the woman. It is the man that has to woo her, take her out and impress her. In our ultimate act, it is he that has to prep the circumstances for an engagement offer, an offer to ask her, to marry him. Due to this one sidedness, I think as a by-product, this mode sticks with us once we are a partnership (at whatever level) and by default it becomes his job to lead in the romance stakes.

The Problem And Solution To This
Just like no.2, the main problem is the one sidedness. Having someone take the time to prepare a special kinda something for you, is a really nice gesture that shows that they/you care...so why would it ever be down to just one person in the relationship? To give and give and give and receive nothing in return doesn't even happen in a crappy job, you at the very least get paid. If you are for a patriarchal structure, where the man buys and romances the woman all the time, then so be it. But when a man receives gifts from his woman, especially when there is no occasion for it, it means a lot. In the healthiest of relationships, you'll find that couples who both give, are more content and place a high regard on their partners needs. Ultimately what you are doing, is looking after each other and pushing for each other's happiness.

4. Constantly Taking Advice From Others And Not Acting On What Your Partner Said
This is a little tricky because some people can't actually say how they feel. I'm fine, that's okay, go ahead are some of the deadliest terms you'll ever encounter. But the rule for me, the rule that I will give you from day dot, is that I will take you at face value. If you say something is 'fine' and really it isn't and I know it isn't, I'm still going to take what you actually said as the law because I expect a certain level of flippin maturity. Now, in the case of doubt, where you seek counsel from a friend, a family member or whoever, I understand that we all need advice from time to time. But remember, in the end, you have to come back to what was told to you, directly by your partner. Why on Earth a guessing game has to ensue after the fact, is beyond me. And why in the world does an external contact have more sway over your final decisions, regarding your interactions with your partner, is a mind-boggling, disrespectful premise that can lead to bad outcomes. The advisee wasn't in the situation to hear tone of voice, to feel the emotion, to understand the real time context and all that came before. They might not have even met your partner! So their judgement can be based only on the data you give them, with a limited understanding of everything else.

The Problem And Solution To This
If you are having to constantly go back and forth for advice, then there is a high chance that you don't actually understand your partner. This is the message you could be potentially sending out, when all of your decisions are based on somebody else's advice. The main source of everything you need to know about a said person, is surprise surprise - from that same person! Asking generic questions to your mates won't give them the essence of where your partner was coming from and giving them too much detail is a betrayal of your intimate lives. The best route to understanding, is to ask questions, garner how your partner feels, relay your own feelings and keep digging until you come to a mutual understanding.

5. Give Up Campaigns That Cause Friction
It's hard. Sometimes you see your partner doing something wrong and all you want to do is help with advice. But very often, that advice is delivered as if this improvement (and criticism) you have come up with, is going to be implemented immediately, whether they like it or not. Let us use 'healthy eating' as an example. You can clearly see that your partner's diet is going to hell. Instead of a gentle conversation, that could lead to further debate and a gradual change, you've come in to dictate a new diet mandate. Maybe you haven't noticed, but a lot of people don't like sudden change, especially when it is not on any terms that they helped to make.

The Problem And Solution To This
Though you have their best interests at heart, like all changes in life, a carefully considered process, an evolution into the next form is likely to be a better method. A quick turn around in the form of cold turkey or a revolution if you will, is a route to disaster! Maybe you haven't noticed, but withdrawal symptoms from a cold turkey exit are painful and revolutions usually involve bloodshed! So the process should first be a notification of the observation, then a small idea of incremental change can be suggested. Serve it up as something that you want to do together, make light of it, even make this new direction a joint venture, a new project for them and you. I believe you will see a lot more willingness to get involved, rather than comply or deny because of the spousal coercion.

The Sacrifice - Revere Your Angels

30/7/2016

A life lesson about those who built a foundation that you may plant a house on...

The Road To The Wellville

30/5/2016

Principles to put you on the path to inner peace and well-being.

The 8 Pillars Of A Relationship

11/3/2016

Whether the relationship was kindled from a flaky or much more involved matching, in the meeting of hearts, euphoric love by itself is not enough to stop any bond from caving in. A relationship can't just survive on romance and good times, it must flourish by the strength of its principles and the real reason that love met love in the first place. Ultimately, a relationship must be upheld by the strength of its pillars...

A pillar is a tall, vertical column that supports structures. When positioned correctly, a set of pillars can hold up a roof, ceiling or balcony for centuries. However, if made with substandard materials or positioned incorrectly, it is suffice to say, that in a matter of time, any said structure with weak pillars, will collapse.

The Pillar Of Companionship
...isn't this just the crux of what being with somebody is about? That you have found another being that you would like to share your personal legend with. This doesn't mean you're to become joined at the hip, and surely achieving synchronicity doesn't have to equal the death of your individuality. But in advance of our 'unions' we must be first vigilant of our frailties and not seek to acquire a 'long term' relationship to; battle loneliness or to give ourselves something to do when not working or to have access to regular sex or just to find someone decent enough to breed with. These are not factors that promote a sustained, long term unity. If anything they are temporary arrangements to get you through your current lull. As individuals go through personal changes, compatibility issues will arise and expose just how out of sync you are with each other. Companionship is a decision born of believing that you want to have a sustained attachment to someone, to the degree that you want them to be around you and share your world. You may fall in love, but a relationship is something you consciously walk into.

The Pillar Of Affection
It might seem harsh to say this, but if you have trouble expressing love, then you are not emotionally developed enough to put yourself out there for a functional relationship. If you are getting married for business reasons or to align bloodlines, go ahead and knock yourselves out. But for most of us non-royals, who will count on that feeling of love, as our guiding compass to 'the one', having it openly acknowledged (from their side) and openly reciprocated is kinda key. I mean yes, you could truly be one of the nicest people in the world, but being that person way deep, down inside of yourself, where no one can receive your royal niceness, is wholly useless. Actual relationships are not based on the perception of who your partner could be, that happens in the initial attraction stages, when you are projecting your hopes and fears on a stranger you fancy. Beyond introductory post-dating and into an exclusive relationship, you and your emotions need to show up more than 2 times a year. Grand and obvious displays of affection for your partner reserved for special occasions doesn't cut it either, as Valentine's and birthdays happen but once a year. Give your honest emotions to that someone on a daily basis, be open. Put your heart out there on the line...every single day. You don't have to say "I Love You" all the damn time, just show it instead. Even a pet dog can show affection everyday!

The Pillar Of Energy
A dynamic, fast moving world will ask much of you and that request will tax your energy. Most people won't falter at their job and will give what is demanded because if they don't they will lose it. But that same concentration and applied vibrancy is often disregarded when it comes to giving energy to your partner. Why? Because we can take them for granted. That strength you exude at work, in just saying hello to your colleagues, cannot be a much stronger than the greeting you give your partner. Do not misunderstand. This is not about volume, it is about intention and genuine connectivity. A giving of energy is not about delivering a physically, powerful aura. It's about connecting on the same bandwidth or even switching theirs (because they might have had a bad day) to yours (or vice versa) and syncing with each other. I give you the best of me, you give me the best of you - it can be very gentle or it can be be monumental, either way, you have to give each other the observance of where you are in the present and promote a will of good energy. In seeing your partner stressed, hurt or just in a bad way, allow your energy to counter their bad vibes with loving alchemy so you can change it. Forget about turning coal into gold, change melancholy into joy. Say hello whilst looking your partner in the eye, rather than bye as you yell it from a distance, walking out the front door...to go to work.

The Tactile Pillar
We are sensory beings, we need touch! It has been documented that a 20 second hug releases the oxytocin hormone into the body, which is considered as the hormone that promotes bonding. This means that the body registers longlasting (and permitted) touch as a needed stimulant. Oxytocin is often described as the love hormone and its highest levels are usually seen in the first 6 months of a relationship. To be hugged, stroked, caressed, tickled (sometimes), brushed upon, pinched, even slapped (getting a bit kinky here) and massaged all awaken the body and mind and increase connection directly to the person who is doing these things to you. This doesn't have to be a prelude to sex, but whether in front of the TV, as they read a book or in the kitchen as they cook, stroking your partners neck or kissing your partner on the shoulder shows a sweet, everyday, nurturing love.

"Don't come home to piss your partner off, rile up the kids and change the established peace and happiness to doom and gloom."

The Pillar Of Communication
One of the first things my Communications teacher taught me; was that the sender of a message can be the receiver and the receiver of a message could in fact be the sender...well duuh! Isn't that obvious? Well it would seem not. Very often in relationships, we want our partner to just know things, things that are way beyond connecting a few obvious dots together and coming to an obvious conclusion. "Well if they loved me, they would just know." Really? Look, telepathy between partners is a thing, (as you will read when you get to the last pillar) but it

has to be cultivated. So until that time - SPEAK! With your mouth! Ask a question or a series of questions enquire, inquire, be open, express! How else are you going to get to know. It boggles my mind when one half of the relationship will ask the entire world about a particular situation regarding their partner, except the one person that can give them the straightest answer - which is their partner. At some point there has to come a time in your relationship when:

(a) You can just ask/tell your partner anything
(b) You realise that you can't always ask the advice of others
(c) You believe the answer your partner gives you.

I know the above isn't always easy to achieve, people are sensitive, people have gotten use to communicating a certain way and the changeover isn't always comfortable. When those methods are employed, you will be guaranteed a lot more understanding and a lot less angst. A side note on the intricacies of talking to each other; the term 'passive aggressive' seems to crop up a lot, in misuse. Somebody trying to tell you something in a subtle manner or through hinting is not being passive aggressive, what they are not being is direct. Sometimes when you know how sensitive your partner is and you don't want to hurt them, you end up going around the houses, taking the scenic route in trying to deliver your message. If you do this badly they will either not know what the hell you are trying to say or not pick up that you are trying to say anything profound in the first place. Whereas telling somebody something, to deliberately hurt them, but in a backhanded way, falls right under the passive aggressive banner, in terms of verbal communication...but you can also be passive aggressive without saying a word. For a brilliant definition of passive aggressive behaviour click Me.

VERBAL EXAMPLES

Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Yeah you look fine, but you could do with losing some weight.
So what you really meant was 'No, I don't think you look fine in that dress because I think you're too fat for it'.

The non-passive aggressive way would have been:

Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Babe, you've put on a bit of weight since you last wore it, so it looks a bit too tight. I would wear the (fill in the gap), as you always look smoking hot in that one.
He told the truth, but didn't cut her with it and he also gave her an alternative which came with praise.

The aggressive way.

Q. Do I look okay in this dress?
A. Oh my God, you look terrible. How have you gotten so fat! The dress makes you look hideous, you need to lose weight like yesterday.
Berate, cut, demean, totally unnecessary.

The Inclusion Pillar
It is understandable that there will not be an automatic fusion of lifestyle, family and friends, when a couple makes stronger ties. And truthfully, it's good to own a few hobbies/interests that solely belong to you. But consider this, if it is important to you, then it will probably be important to them, because it's important to you. Have you ever been in that situation, where you are being asked/told about your partner and you can't testify to anything that friends/family are saying because you have no knowledge about this aspect of your partner's life? Hey, it really isn't the end of the world from your side, but at the same time, being excluded never makes anyone feel good. Consider how your partner might feel, especially when non-entities seem to be in the know, yet the partner is in the dark. Where is their relevance in your life? Don't tell me let them know!

The Pillar Of Reverence
In short, reverence is the respect and honour you have for your partner and what you are cultivating together. Reverence is a universal code, throughout many aspects of life. For example in many martial art customs, you can't even walk into the place of training without flipping your attitude first. You have to make a conscious effort to become respectful and obedient in mind and therefore in action. Before you enter the training room, you bow out of respect. When you enter, you enter the room calmly which sets up your mind for how you will behave throughout the class. In our homes, people can come through the front door like they are being chased by ninjas and a tornado. They storm in and it's all noise and bluster. They throw all of their clobber in

any available space, become loud, irritated and essentially bring their untamed energy into the house. This is not the way. Look at the environment you just came into. Do you want to propel it further (because it's a pleasant environment) or do you need to quell it because it's negative. Don't come home to piss your partner off, rile up the kids and change the established peace and happiness to doom and gloom. Out of respect, there are certain things that you would never say to your partner face-to-face, behind their back or to someone else about them, the world does not have to know your business. Every couple has some information and private things that should be kept as a secret for 2, forever. Mannerisms that you would normally reserve for an enemy should not be shared with your partner. In saying all of this, I know there is a super-wide dynamic in how couples deal with each other. Upbringing and culture makes people deal with each other differently. But dramarama every five minutes, is not my idea of a functional relationship. Abuse, being taken for granted and neglect don't suggest reverence. I am not in a soap, nor do I want to imitate one. Give love unashamedly, be honoured, show respect or be gone.

The Super Pillar Of Acquired Telepathy Through Bonding
This is not as Scanners as it sounds. Very often couples finish each other's words, they have the same thoughts about things and they can even independently, initiate actions that back their partners up from afar. It is not magic or science, it is harmony, you have reached the level where you have established a meta-physical rhythm and you just know things without knowing why. Well, that is not completely true, truth be told you have seen each other's patterns and you have an understanding of each other's likes and dislikes. You have bathed in each others energies time and time again, seen your partners reactions to particular stimuli and now your mind, has built up a dossier of information. You are part of them and they are part of you and combined, your synchronicity has turned into something beyond mere pattern recognition. This is a testament to getting the other 7 pillars correctly in place, so that this 8th one can manifest.

Money From Misery: Destablising The Female Image

The Counter Method - 5 Relationship Rules To Dump

The Sacrifice - Revere Your Angels

The Road To The Wellville

The 8 Pillars Of A Relationship

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