If it's a rule that doesn't work, if it's a method that escalates the woe, then perhaps you need to get rid of it. Here are 5 seemingly normal relationship practices you might be able to do without.
Rules Were Meant To Be Broken...
1. Send Him To The Couch / I'm Sleeping At My Friends House
I often wonder if some of our practices come from real life or a mimicry of art, in particular the TV soap. A dispute breaks out over some said issue, there is an argument, harsh words are said, in some cases, things that aren't meant, are flung out with ferocity and venom. Both parties are potentially in a fury and suddenly can't stand to be with each other and so the man is usually exiled from the bedroom, if he himself doesn't do it voluntarily or the women says she is staying elsewhere.
The Problem And Solution To This
I completely understand the need to cool down. And I understand that the continued presence of the person getting you riled up is not exactly helping. But I bet, if you had a dispute at work with a colleague, you would still have enough maturity to maintain focus on the objective and still work with them right? So within coupledom, 15mins of separation is enough, that is an actual rule you should employ. But a complete detachment after having such an emotional collision is a step into uncertainty. Now separated, you are probably going to want to know what the other person is thinking, what they are doing and what they are going to do. All of the things that should be in a conversation...that you now can't have. Currently hurt, you may end up doing something that you'll later regret, hey it happens. So I say, if ever there was a time, that you should want your partner to be close to you, it's 20mins after that argument. When you share a bed, you share everything, good and bad. An argument shouldn't have you retreat to separate corners throughout the whole night, until the next day! If your emotions are high, the place you need to retreat to is calmness - whilst the other person is still in your presence. Although hard to do, this is the higher practice.
I often wonder if some of our practices come from real life or a mimicry of art, in particular the TV soap. A dispute breaks out over some said issue, there is an argument, harsh words are said, in some cases, things that aren't meant, are flung out with ferocity and venom. Both parties are potentially in a fury and suddenly can't stand to be with each other and so the man is usually exiled from the bedroom, if he himself doesn't do it voluntarily or the women says she is staying elsewhere.
The Problem And Solution To This
I completely understand the need to cool down. And I understand that the continued presence of the person getting you riled up is not exactly helping. But I bet, if you had a dispute at work with a colleague, you would still have enough maturity to maintain focus on the objective and still work with them right? So within coupledom, 15mins of separation is enough, that is an actual rule you should employ. But a complete detachment after having such an emotional collision is a step into uncertainty. Now separated, you are probably going to want to know what the other person is thinking, what they are doing and what they are going to do. All of the things that should be in a conversation...that you now can't have. Currently hurt, you may end up doing something that you'll later regret, hey it happens. So I say, if ever there was a time, that you should want your partner to be close to you, it's 20mins after that argument. When you share a bed, you share everything, good and bad. An argument shouldn't have you retreat to separate corners throughout the whole night, until the next day! If your emotions are high, the place you need to retreat to is calmness - whilst the other person is still in your presence. Although hard to do, this is the higher practice.
2. He's The Man, So He Has To Lead...In Everything
I know some men and women who wouldn't have it any other way and if it works - cool. But for some of us, it's bloody tiring. Can't we have a partnership? Even if it is uneven, there are plenty of men who don't mind occasionally riding shotgun instead.
The Problem And Solution To This
Personally, in order to have every decision and direction come from my partner and me be okay about it, I would have to see, that they had my absolute best interests at heart. And this would require them to know me inside out. To date, I haven't met that person yet. The good thing about sharing leadership, is that it grows an appreciation for what the other person has to go through. It also allows the other person to see what you are interested in, what you are capable of doing and it can even lead to you understanding them better. Imagine being the one who has to always initiates sex. One might think your partner didn't love you, as they never communicated that desire. On top of that, imagine always having to decide, what you're eating, where you shop, where you socialise, where you dine out, where you live, where the kids will go to school, where you will go on holiday. Good grief, you'd need 4 holidays a year to deal with the burden! Besides that, think of the boredom. I don't want a non-inputting, compliant robot-wife who just does my bidding, I want some interaction. This type of woman can bore a man, who really isn't trying to live some patriarchal, Stepford Wives fantasy.
I know some men and women who wouldn't have it any other way and if it works - cool. But for some of us, it's bloody tiring. Can't we have a partnership? Even if it is uneven, there are plenty of men who don't mind occasionally riding shotgun instead.
The Problem And Solution To This
Personally, in order to have every decision and direction come from my partner and me be okay about it, I would have to see, that they had my absolute best interests at heart. And this would require them to know me inside out. To date, I haven't met that person yet. The good thing about sharing leadership, is that it grows an appreciation for what the other person has to go through. It also allows the other person to see what you are interested in, what you are capable of doing and it can even lead to you understanding them better. Imagine being the one who has to always initiates sex. One might think your partner didn't love you, as they never communicated that desire. On top of that, imagine always having to decide, what you're eating, where you shop, where you socialise, where you dine out, where you live, where the kids will go to school, where you will go on holiday. Good grief, you'd need 4 holidays a year to deal with the burden! Besides that, think of the boredom. I don't want a non-inputting, compliant robot-wife who just does my bidding, I want some interaction. This type of woman can bore a man, who really isn't trying to live some patriarchal, Stepford Wives fantasy.
3. Romance Is His Responsibility
I put this after no.2 deliberately because it relates. It's kinda like a sub-section. I think I understand why this particular situation comes about, but after awhile, this rule has to be recalibrated. In the initial meeting of someone we are attracted to and want to get to know, it is the man, within our unwritten social rule book, that usually pursues the woman. It is the man that has to woo her, take her out and impress her. In our ultimate act, it is he that has to prep the circumstances for an engagement offer, an offer to ask her, to marry him. Due to this one sidedness, I think as a by-product, this mode sticks with us once we are a partnership (at whatever level) and by default it becomes his job to lead in the romance stakes.
The Problem And Solution To This
Just like no.2, the main problem is the one sidedness. Having someone take the time to prepare a special kinda something for you, is a really nice gesture that shows that they/you care...so why would it ever be down to just one person in the relationship? To give and give and give and receive nothing in return doesn't even happen in a crappy job, you at the very least get paid. If you are for a patriarchal structure, where the man buys and romances the woman all the time, then so be it. But when a man receives gifts from his woman, especially when there is no occasion for it, it means a lot. In the healthiest of relationships, you'll find that couples who both give, are more content and place a high regard on their partners needs. Ultimately what you are doing, is looking after each other and pushing for each other's happiness.
I put this after no.2 deliberately because it relates. It's kinda like a sub-section. I think I understand why this particular situation comes about, but after awhile, this rule has to be recalibrated. In the initial meeting of someone we are attracted to and want to get to know, it is the man, within our unwritten social rule book, that usually pursues the woman. It is the man that has to woo her, take her out and impress her. In our ultimate act, it is he that has to prep the circumstances for an engagement offer, an offer to ask her, to marry him. Due to this one sidedness, I think as a by-product, this mode sticks with us once we are a partnership (at whatever level) and by default it becomes his job to lead in the romance stakes.
The Problem And Solution To This
Just like no.2, the main problem is the one sidedness. Having someone take the time to prepare a special kinda something for you, is a really nice gesture that shows that they/you care...so why would it ever be down to just one person in the relationship? To give and give and give and receive nothing in return doesn't even happen in a crappy job, you at the very least get paid. If you are for a patriarchal structure, where the man buys and romances the woman all the time, then so be it. But when a man receives gifts from his woman, especially when there is no occasion for it, it means a lot. In the healthiest of relationships, you'll find that couples who both give, are more content and place a high regard on their partners needs. Ultimately what you are doing, is looking after each other and pushing for each other's happiness.
4. Constantly Taking Advice From Others And Not Acting On What Your Partner Said
This is a little tricky because some people can't actually say how they feel. I'm fine, that's okay, go ahead are some of the deadliest terms you'll ever encounter. But the rule for me, the rule that I will give you from day dot, is that I will take you at face value. If you say something is 'fine' and really it isn't and I know it isn't, I'm still going to take what you actually said as the law because I expect a certain level of flippin maturity. Now, in the case of doubt, where you seek counsel from a friend, a family member or whoever, I understand that we all need advice from time to time. But remember, in the end, you have to come back to what was told to you, directly by your partner. Why on Earth a guessing game has to ensue after the fact, is beyond me. And why in the world does an external contact have more sway over your final decisions, regarding your interactions with your partner, is a mind-boggling, disrespectful premise that can lead to bad outcomes. The advisee wasn't in the situation to hear tone of voice, to feel the emotion, to understand the real time context and all that came before. They might not have even met your partner! So their judgement can be based only on the data you give them, with a limited understanding of everything else.
The Problem And Solution To This
If you are having to constantly go back and forth for advice, then there is a high chance that you don't actually understand your partner. This is the message you could be potentially sending out, when all of your decisions are based on somebody else's advice. The main source of everything you need to know about a said person, is surprise surprise - from that same person! Asking generic questions to your mates won't give them the essence of where your partner was coming from and giving them too much detail is a betrayal of your intimate lives. The best route to understanding, is to ask questions, garner how your partner feels, relay your own feelings and keep digging until you come to a mutual understanding.
This is a little tricky because some people can't actually say how they feel. I'm fine, that's okay, go ahead are some of the deadliest terms you'll ever encounter. But the rule for me, the rule that I will give you from day dot, is that I will take you at face value. If you say something is 'fine' and really it isn't and I know it isn't, I'm still going to take what you actually said as the law because I expect a certain level of flippin maturity. Now, in the case of doubt, where you seek counsel from a friend, a family member or whoever, I understand that we all need advice from time to time. But remember, in the end, you have to come back to what was told to you, directly by your partner. Why on Earth a guessing game has to ensue after the fact, is beyond me. And why in the world does an external contact have more sway over your final decisions, regarding your interactions with your partner, is a mind-boggling, disrespectful premise that can lead to bad outcomes. The advisee wasn't in the situation to hear tone of voice, to feel the emotion, to understand the real time context and all that came before. They might not have even met your partner! So their judgement can be based only on the data you give them, with a limited understanding of everything else.
The Problem And Solution To This
If you are having to constantly go back and forth for advice, then there is a high chance that you don't actually understand your partner. This is the message you could be potentially sending out, when all of your decisions are based on somebody else's advice. The main source of everything you need to know about a said person, is surprise surprise - from that same person! Asking generic questions to your mates won't give them the essence of where your partner was coming from and giving them too much detail is a betrayal of your intimate lives. The best route to understanding, is to ask questions, garner how your partner feels, relay your own feelings and keep digging until you come to a mutual understanding.
5. Give Up Campaigns That Cause Friction
It's hard. Sometimes you see your partner doing something wrong and all you want to do is help with advice. But very often, that advice is delivered as if this improvement (and criticism) you have come up with, is going to be implemented immediately, whether they like it or not. Let us use 'healthy eating' as an example. You can clearly see that your partner's diet is going to hell. Instead of a gentle conversation, that could lead to further debate and a gradual change, you've come in to dictate a new diet mandate. Maybe you haven't noticed, but a lot of people don't like sudden change, especially when it is not on any terms that they helped to make.
The Problem And Solution To This
Though you have their best interests at heart, like all changes in life, a carefully considered process, an evolution into the next form is likely to be a better method. A quick turn around in the form of cold turkey or a revolution if you will, is a route to disaster! Maybe you haven't noticed, but withdrawal symptoms from a cold turkey exit are painful and revolutions usually involve bloodshed! So the process should first be a notification of the observation, then a small idea of incremental change can be suggested. Serve it up as something that you want to do together, make light of it, even make this new direction a joint venture, a new project for them and you. I believe you will see a lot more willingness to get involved, rather than comply or deny because of the spousal coercion.
It's hard. Sometimes you see your partner doing something wrong and all you want to do is help with advice. But very often, that advice is delivered as if this improvement (and criticism) you have come up with, is going to be implemented immediately, whether they like it or not. Let us use 'healthy eating' as an example. You can clearly see that your partner's diet is going to hell. Instead of a gentle conversation, that could lead to further debate and a gradual change, you've come in to dictate a new diet mandate. Maybe you haven't noticed, but a lot of people don't like sudden change, especially when it is not on any terms that they helped to make.
The Problem And Solution To This
Though you have their best interests at heart, like all changes in life, a carefully considered process, an evolution into the next form is likely to be a better method. A quick turn around in the form of cold turkey or a revolution if you will, is a route to disaster! Maybe you haven't noticed, but withdrawal symptoms from a cold turkey exit are painful and revolutions usually involve bloodshed! So the process should first be a notification of the observation, then a small idea of incremental change can be suggested. Serve it up as something that you want to do together, make light of it, even make this new direction a joint venture, a new project for them and you. I believe you will see a lot more willingness to get involved, rather than comply or deny because of the spousal coercion.
RSS Feed
