The initial idea of the 90 day, no-sex rule, if we are honest was squarely aimed at women and was created as a means for them to establish whether a man's intentions were serious or not. In addition, you can't ignore that there is also the shadow of a morality issue that hangs overhead, as part of the larger conversation overtly suggests that respectable women don't have sex early on in relationships. But the real question in all of this speculatory theory is; does any of it actually work or do the principals need revising?
Where Does The 'Waiting' Principle Come From?
Throughout time; socialisation through chivalry, morality and religion have always had a strong say in how we conduct our sex lives and as with all doctrines and principles, useful or not, somewhere along the line they can become twisted, out of date, oppressive, corrupted and even contrived. Since the formal public mentioning of the 90 day rule was brought into the mainstream by TV presenter/comedian Steve Harvey, people all over the world have been employing it in a bid to find true love with mixed results. Some have found success with it, others have not affected any change at all, but the real shame would be to adhere to the rigid 'clock' and end up forsaking a glaringly obvious meant-to-be connection. Imagine ruining what should have been the summit of a key moment in the building of your relationship, all because the calendar said "not yet". And so in my opinion, there needs to be a common sense flexibility attached to the proceedings.
The Unasked Question About Sex
Believe it or not, I for one am not against waiting 90 days, in fact it could be even longer, but it could also be shorter - it depends on the person I am dealing with and how quickly we delve into each others lives. 90 Days where you only see that person 15 times, is different to 90 days where you see that person 60 times. And yes, I am a man that doesn't want to rush into sex if I am serious about a person, but not out of any rules related to chivalry, morality or religion. 'Waiting' is not (should not) create the absence of something, the main goal isn't about bedding her. If that is the main focus or if that is all someone can think about, then the entirety of the person you are dealing with away from sexual activity, is clearly not enough to hold you and coupling is a bad idea. As a couple, can you be 100% functional without the sex - in essence what I really want to know is: Who Are We Together If There Is No Sex?
Sensible Reasons To Wait
Who The Hell Are You? In the area of work and business, companies will perform entire background checks on potential employees because the wrong person can disrupt workflow or cause financial upheaval and we as candidates don't mind this. But for some reason when it comes to our social lives, too many of us will let our emotions take us away and we will involve ourselves with any yahoo because we are on a high. In not investigating early on, we then go on to find out all manner of things that we would never support or condone...like our 'partner' being an active criminal or being actively married. You can't find out all these things in a week, especially if you don't have the resources of MI5. Ultimately, waiting gives us the chance to discern and dissect their life and examine their behaviour to see if we are in any capacity really compatible.
Unforeseen Consequences: STIs, STDs, pregnancy, heartbreak, drama. There are talk shows that have thrived because early, but mostly irresponsible sex, was had leading to dysfunction spreading to multiple lives. If you weigh the two against each other (irresponsible sex vs no sex) you know that the latter is ultimately the formula for peace, as the road not travelled is better than an exhilarating drive that ultimately leads to a car crash.
Emotional Insurance: When you lay me down to sex, I wanna feel comfortable and not that your gonna be worse than my ex. Peace of mind is not to be scoffed at! Not all people are good at having sex or ready to receive it, when they don't feel comfortable. Is sex an enjoyable experience when it is rushed and you feel rigid from the unfamiliarity or from not being able to ask for what you truly like? Why do we place so much emphasis on the physical encounter? Answer - because it feels soooo good! But, no fully realised relationship can be based on one thing. Sex feels good. Love is a nice feeling. Lust is a strong feeling that feels great when it is quenched. But none of those feelings are pragmatic for a long term union. None of these elements alone allow you to sustain a relationship. Boredom can easily settle in when you've completed the physical joy, especially when you have no real connection. The joining of 2 personalities that really know each other, their spirits, their souls and their higher emotions is the summit of a sexual joining. In fact, the lack of a true bond can send you in the opposite directions from the feeling of being oddly lonely and feeling cold.
Does The 90 Day Rule Work?
The very reason I am calling for a remix or at least some flexibility, is that one rigid rule will bring about different reactions in the person you try to impose them on. Some men will like it. Some men will hate it. Some men will think it's some sort of feminist political movement (the irony) and some men will think it's a means of control...which it is, but not a negative one. But observe this - whatever their response is, it does not determine the calibre of the man they are - this can only be decided by their actions. One of my favourite male responses to the 90 day rule that influenced this article was: “It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. It’s like women think if a man waits 90 days then it means he is going to marry them. Women don’t get that some men will wait 900 days, hit it, and still quit it. That thinking is all wrong. If he wants to be with you then time doesn’t matter.“ Sourced from Fierce Daily.com
Creating Your Own Remix
So what do you do with that type of man? A man who is willing to wait until the dinosaurs reappear back on Earth in order to have sex with you and then bounce. The technique employed to protect yourself against the very thing you don't want seems redundant with this type of psychological profile. I mean whilst he is waiting, he could be easily seeing multiple women on the side to fulfil his current desires. I have no grand answer for this, except during the 90 days...or however long you make him wait, you have to investigate, you have to probe - do not be entertained into a relationship. "Oh he bought me this, he took me there" blah, blah, blah. When women talk about men being chivalrous and opening doors and pushing their chair in for them during dinner, ask yourself this; do they act like this when you're at home alone? If he wouldn't do it in private, don't get so caught up when they do it in public, it's a contrived action that doesn't mean anything by itself. The good signs you should be looking out for are; respect, honesty (especially when it makes them look vulnerable or weak) accountability, a vision for the future that is genuine (not some regurgitated soundbite), a willingness to do and transparency. Look for these things and if you are satisfied and the sex organically comes about, then it shouldn't matter too much when you have it...but still, don't be an eager beaver because some men have rehearsed those very faux principles in order to lull you into lowering your defences.
WAS THE PROBLEM HERE THE RULE OR THE MAN OR SOMETHING ELSE?
Having graduated from the Home Page, RC and IK are now embarking on their own blogging adventures to examine the world of social curiosities and romantic anthropology.