They are the buzzwords that have become the go-to language, when discussing the worst type of behaviour that some men exhibit. And with plenty of existing articles on micro incidents and also the more horrific attacks on women, I wanted to divert the focus a little and look at some of the actual causes of this high disfunction.
It is in my opinion, that women have been afforded a healthy psychological advantage over men. In the realm of emotional maturity, women are allowed to feel the entire gamut of emotional feelings and not be penalised or ridiculed for it. In fact, women are encouraged to let it all out, to be emotionally vulnerable and honest moment by moment. But on the male side, many men are told, discouraged and even reprimanded for showing any vulnerability. This chastising often starts from childhood and I believe this is a major cause for his toxic behaviours that arise in teen and adulthood.
If you imagine that the English alphabet represented every emotional feeling possible, either as single letter or with letters combined, most women and some men are brought up to be able to emote all of these letters and their combinations with no restrictions and this serves to produce a healthy mental state. But due to the interference of adult men and women, a male child reacting to certain events and other external stimuli, in a very normal way, will be interrupted and given rhetoric along the lines of 'big boys don't cry' or you're a man, men don't cry etc. In doing this and in continuously repeating such an ideology to a child, certain parts of a male child's emotional landscape become mute, cut off and disconnected and this can lead to a multitude of problems within himself and how he will relate to others when older. Ultimately what we are doing is disabling or destroying his coping mechanisms.
| FULLY FUNCTIONING EMOTIONAL RANGE  | DISABLED EMOTIONAL RANGE  |
"How deluded and warped must your brain be, to actually attack a stranger for refusing your advances."
NORMAL SITUATIONS THAT LEAD
TO UNNECESSARY PROBLEMS
TO UNNECESSARY PROBLEMS
Example 1: Dealing With Loss
Imagine losing a close relative. In the time of mourning when many emotions are bursting to come out, there are obvious ones that should be at the top of the emotional tree. But some men are not equipped to deal with grief in a normal way, because showing weakness and being vulnerable was drilled out of them an eon ago. Therefore, a fragile mind by-passes the normal emotional route and when having to draw from their depleted 'alphabet' they end up exhibiting the wrong emotions. Sadness and sorrow are replaced with anger and violence or other reactions that don't make sense. Anger will feature a lot in the weak-minded, because it gives them a false sense of strength. And fear and shame seem to disappear when in a rage.
Imagine losing a close relative. In the time of mourning when many emotions are bursting to come out, there are obvious ones that should be at the top of the emotional tree. But some men are not equipped to deal with grief in a normal way, because showing weakness and being vulnerable was drilled out of them an eon ago. Therefore, a fragile mind by-passes the normal emotional route and when having to draw from their depleted 'alphabet' they end up exhibiting the wrong emotions. Sadness and sorrow are replaced with anger and violence or other reactions that don't make sense. Anger will feature a lot in the weak-minded, because it gives them a false sense of strength. And fear and shame seem to disappear when in a rage.
Example 2: Dealing With Rejection
One of the most common stories we hear when it comes to toxic masculinity caused by male fragility and then followed by ultimate toxic masculinity, comes of a rejected sexual/romantic advance. How can you in one breath, be professing to a complete stranger on the street, how much you like them, how beautiful you think they are and what you would do for their life. To then in the next breath aggressively start shouting at them, call them every foul name under the sun and in too many cases, spit, grab and seriously assault them. Women have even been run over with vehicles and killed for simply saying 'no'. When we face rejection from anything in life that we want, yes, it is normal to feel a little bit disappointed, but a man with a normal mindstate would move on. In the toxic male, the fragile mindset crumbles and their disappointment is registered as shame and dishonour. How dare you say no to me, I am worthy and I will let you know this! How deluded and warped must your brain be, to actually attack a stranger for refusing your advances.
One of the most common stories we hear when it comes to toxic masculinity caused by male fragility and then followed by ultimate toxic masculinity, comes of a rejected sexual/romantic advance. How can you in one breath, be professing to a complete stranger on the street, how much you like them, how beautiful you think they are and what you would do for their life. To then in the next breath aggressively start shouting at them, call them every foul name under the sun and in too many cases, spit, grab and seriously assault them. Women have even been run over with vehicles and killed for simply saying 'no'. When we face rejection from anything in life that we want, yes, it is normal to feel a little bit disappointed, but a man with a normal mindstate would move on. In the toxic male, the fragile mindset crumbles and their disappointment is registered as shame and dishonour. How dare you say no to me, I am worthy and I will let you know this! How deluded and warped must your brain be, to actually attack a stranger for refusing your advances.
Example 3: Sexual Harassment Through Patriarchal Entitlement
We all accept that in western civilisation, especially Europe, that it is usually the man that pursues the woman in and and around dating and relationships. Hand on heart, I think most women reading this can attest to not having ever made the first move in these social situations. So we understand that men, normally move towards women. But at what point did men think that it was alright to make intimate, sexually contact with women? The really scary bit, is that too many really think this is the done thing! Whereas on the other side of the spectrum you have men who don't even have the nerve to walk up to a woman and talk to her, because they are too shy or don't think they are worthy. The range of the male psyche is vast and should never be thought of as homogenous, not all men are the same, as a man that bypasses all formality and decency and goes straight into committing a criminal offence, cannot be put in the same category as Shy Steven. Another problematic theme that can stem from this, for Shy Steven's is that these men can be criticized for not being 'man enough' and told to 'man up' and to be confident by men and women. Sometimes there is a reinforcement of bravado and hyper masculinity that shouldn't be encouraged and we should let the quieter, docile man just be. The results in attempted 'manning ups' vary, as some learn to find the right balance in their confidence and expectations - meaning they can approach women respectively and deal with whatever outcome. Whilst others are taught or encouraged by other heathens and the cycle of abuse, seen as charm and confidence continues.
We all accept that in western civilisation, especially Europe, that it is usually the man that pursues the woman in and and around dating and relationships. Hand on heart, I think most women reading this can attest to not having ever made the first move in these social situations. So we understand that men, normally move towards women. But at what point did men think that it was alright to make intimate, sexually contact with women? The really scary bit, is that too many really think this is the done thing! Whereas on the other side of the spectrum you have men who don't even have the nerve to walk up to a woman and talk to her, because they are too shy or don't think they are worthy. The range of the male psyche is vast and should never be thought of as homogenous, not all men are the same, as a man that bypasses all formality and decency and goes straight into committing a criminal offence, cannot be put in the same category as Shy Steven. Another problematic theme that can stem from this, for Shy Steven's is that these men can be criticized for not being 'man enough' and told to 'man up' and to be confident by men and women. Sometimes there is a reinforcement of bravado and hyper masculinity that shouldn't be encouraged and we should let the quieter, docile man just be. The results in attempted 'manning ups' vary, as some learn to find the right balance in their confidence and expectations - meaning they can approach women respectively and deal with whatever outcome. Whilst others are taught or encouraged by other heathens and the cycle of abuse, seen as charm and confidence continues.
THE INFLUENCERS
Parents / Family: Your introduction into this world and what is expected of you, comes first and foremost from your kin.
Friends: Peer pressure to conform is a big deal during your school and college years.
Authority Figures: Your coach, your teacher, whomever, has a direct emotional line to how you perform in many areas of your life.
Celebrities: Idolising certain 'heroes' can have you mimicking them, it may sound silly, but if you've lost all sense of yourself, you may model a version of you, based on somebody else.
Born Of Self: It might be a rare occurrence, but it is not hard to believe, that some men receive all the goodness from the world and still turn out bad. Unresolved issues with members from the first 3 in the list can also lead to this behaviour.
Friends: Peer pressure to conform is a big deal during your school and college years.
Authority Figures: Your coach, your teacher, whomever, has a direct emotional line to how you perform in many areas of your life.
Celebrities: Idolising certain 'heroes' can have you mimicking them, it may sound silly, but if you've lost all sense of yourself, you may model a version of you, based on somebody else.
Born Of Self: It might be a rare occurrence, but it is not hard to believe, that some men receive all the goodness from the world and still turn out bad. Unresolved issues with members from the first 3 in the list can also lead to this behaviour.
| Kids who have been a formatted by their parent's teachings, can also impose toxicity on other children, really believing that this is how you are supposed to behave. If the other children don't comply they get bullied. Bullying as a child and bullying as an adult are no different, they include dominance, a desire to win or always be right, a disdain for the 'other' self-reliance, power over others and trophy hunting which grants them status (in their opinion) which in-turn gives them higher self-esteem. Behaviour like this is then learned and passed on, it doesn't just manifest from nowhere, otherwise all men would be exhibiting it and there are plenty of men who don't. Another aspect that I have never seen discussed, is that normal men also have to deal with toxic men too. If you observe group dynamics in the workplace or in a sports team, ugly personalities affect all. |  A Virginia Middle School: white children in the changing rooms, straddle black students saying "We gonna f*** the black outta these African American children from Uganda." This is typical disdain for the 'other' and bullying via sexual dominance to exhibit power. |
THE EFFECT ON WOMEN
| | |
YOU HURT OTHRES BUT YOU COULD
ALSO BE HURTING YOURSELF
ALSO BE HURTING YOURSELF
If your psychological coping faculties are defunct, it only stands to reason, that eventually you could have some sort of mental health issue. And according to one particular psychiatrist - Frank Pittman, men who follow this path harm themselves reducing their lifespans and are subject to a greater incidence of violent death. Depression, stress, problems with self-esteem, body image crisis and substance abuse are commonly found within these type of males. I think it is way past the time to implement solutions to create equality in the mind first, but both genders have to be willing to give up standard paradigms, not just the negative ones, but the ones that sometimes work in our favour. There are actions in male-female interaction that we say are the male domain or the female domain and there is no reason why they can't be everyone's domain. When there is no gender above another, when we get rid of certain assigned gender norms, this will seep into society, then men can relax, be calm, be weak, just be and not have to prove or dominate anything.
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