The decision between a couple (or via a tradition) to withhold from all sexual activity until wedding vows are exchanged, is still a somewhat controversial choice, yet still practiced all over the world. However, in its execution, it also seems to be a mode that is regularly managed haphazardly, leading to post-coital calamities and unforeseen consequences.
Time For A Communications Upgrade?
There are numerous reasons as to why an embargo on sex before marriage is issued. It can be for religious reasons, spiritual principles or even rules of romance connected to personal morals. Whatever the reason, I believe that the practicalities around this particular social terrain, need to be re-navigated for the sake of our personal protection and future function...less you want to come across the reason - or something similar, as to what inspired this article in the first place.
I recently read a story about a couple who waited to have sex until they were married, via the man's request. They dated for 6 months, then were engaged for a following 6 months and then finally on their wedding night after a year and a bit of waiting; had sex. But it soon emerged that the man, in his new wife’s words, had a “micro penis” and it affected her in such a bad way, that she came on to a specific social media forum that deals with real life dilemmas to get an opinion on what she should do.
Now let's not try to be holier than thou and talk about character, personality and love being more important than sex. Sex is also important (to a lot of people) in a relationship (and even when out of one) and so call me a cynic, but as far as I am concerned, the man in that said situation knew that he had a small penis and deliberately waited to 'capture' a bride before revealing his off-putting status. If she had known before, I can gaard damn guarantee you, that the relationship would have been finished a long time ago. So as the morality tale, that inspired this piece, what can all the 'no sex before marriage' couples do to stop situations like this from happening? Well though some of you may initially find this following list a bit too clinical, it can only serve to save you from future grief or from the most unexpected of surprises. But it could also be a reveal into how mature your partner is or is not.
1. See Each Other Naked
That's right, you heard me (read that right) this is not an excuse to lead into sex, but you a) need to see what you are going to be working with For The Rest Of Your Natural Life and b) See if you REALLY find them sexually attractive. For over 10 years, in relationship talk, there has existed this 'fact' that men are visual creatures, well women are visual creatures too and what we both 'see' helps us visualise many things sexual and beyond. I have already stated that sex is important, but it is not the sexual organs that make the decisions, it's the brain that leads us and also makes other associations in how we feel about someone, solely based on their physicality. You can try to be a bigger person and stay in a relationship that is sexually unfulfilling, but when has this ever led to a good conclusion? Ditch trying to be a righteous hero, we must walk in line with our desires and get what will genuinely sustain us.
"This is not to say that every incompatibility can’t be overcome, but it is usually going to involve the timid of the two having to expand and that is easier said than done."
What if the situation of the man was in reverse? What if the man had a huge penis? Yeah, we may think that being big is great, but it comes with its own set of problems. In fact, size in relationships is relative - what about if he didn't fit her? What if he had an average sized penis, but she couldn't comfortably take him in. I’ll tell you right now, sexual incompatibility will always be potent enough to break a relationship up, so never skirt the issue. Being naked in front of each other will also initiate being comfortable with each other, established couples having sex, where one (or even both parties) insist on having the lights off, or be covered during the act of sex or both, are probably dealing with deeper issues than performance. Not all of our decisions regarding how we conduct our sex lives are made by us, some have seeped into our consciousness from childhood and teenhood where are self-esteem was more susceptible to life-lasting programming - and a key component to being free, lies is finding out who programmed us and with what messages.
2. Let's Talk About Sex
We don’t want any surprises arising around our physical and psychological selves. Having our modes of expression inhibited, especially around the one person we should be able to be open with the most, is disheartening and sometimes damaging. If he thinks being blindfolded is radical and she wants to be swinging from the chandeliers and having sex outside, then already as a couple you are showing signs of incompatibility. This is not to say that every incompatibility can’t be overcome, but it is usually going to involve the more timid of the two having to expand and that is easier said than done. Even away from a blockade on ‘sex before marriage’ any duo about to take that step, still need to have a frank and ernest sex talk. Yes it kinda kills the natural ebb and flow - the spontaneity and all that jazz, but relying too much on the notions of romance to lead our way is actually ludicrous! As if romance magically informs you on what somebody likes or is in to. We all have our preferences and none of us our psychically communicating them, unless there is something I don't know. You wouldn't go into a restaurant for the first time and expect the waiter to know exactly what you wanted to eat without saying a word - would you?
Points 1 & 2 Only work if 3 is solidly put into effect. Relationships should never be navigated around people’s insecurities. Do not say what you think your partner wants to hear and do not agree to do things that you know repulse you. Yes, there is an element of sacrifice in many areas of a relationship, but there are limits and those limits are set by you. They can’t be set by anyone else, because you are the only one that inhabits your body. No other body or mind is going to share your direct pleasure...or your pain, distastes or disgust.
4. Get Tested
And why not! STI and STDs are always on the increase, can you imagine the fate of your life being radically altered through one bad sexual encounter? Don't believe that it could ever happen to you? Well that was the last thought of many that have fallen. Being celibate or abstaining doesn't make you an angel or holy, nor does it purge the past. If you want peace of mind, make a date together, go off to a GUM clinic, get tested and have a nice lunch or dinner after.
Having graduated from the Home Page, RC and IK are now embarking on their own blogging adventures to examine the world of social curiosities and romantic anthropology.