"By 2030, 45% of working women aged 25-44 in the United States will be single. That will be the largest share in history, according to research by Morgan Stanley using data by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics". We ask the question why?
Our Modern Dating Position
If you are in your late 30s to early/mid 40s, then I would say that you/we are only the second (and third) generation to move within a dating-relationship matrix that is only about 55 years old. This means we are somewhat still undergoing an on-going, ever-changing experiment with 'new' power dynamics forming and being reshaped all the time. One of the oddities of western societies modern outlook; is that we still continue to draw on bits and pieces from old patriarchal systems (Regency, Victorian, Edwardian) and unsuccessfully combine these old modes with newer ideas from different waves of feminism and intersectional civil rights.
How We Are Working Our Dating Scene Is Kinda Haphazard
This mish-mash of values has confused the playing field no end and the standards and preferences pic'n'mix approach to dating seems to have proponents drawing on what is selfishly advantageous to them, rather than advantageous to the relationship as a whole. I would say that many of the current outlooks and conventions (especially in the States) associated with women's freedom (independence) are now actually closer to ideas of separation and often, if a union is wanted after having been submerged in those waters for too long, ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be, sound like a transactional exchange of services through warped entitlement. This is perhaps why many of us are finding the relationship game unnecessarily hard or even pointless, as working together seems to be based on heavy inequality - the complete opposite of the original aim.
Impending Doom Due To Selfishness
The benefits of patriarchy and the freedoms of feminism are being brought together for selfish gain, creating a confusing state in which to operate - even if you don't willingly or heavily subscribe to either. The reality is; that in this age we have the option to customise our relationships in the most unique beneficial ways, never granted to any other time period (I think) but for some reason, this has actually led to relationship retrograde now sprinkled with a bit of malice and a lot of uncooperation.
I may be brand new to Tinder, but after my first day on the app, I could quite easily see why people were either not getting the responses that they wanted or continuing to get responses from the wroooong people. Here are 18 suggestions on how to attract the 'Right' swipe.
Before we get into the essential list, here are 3 things to consider...
The 3 Second Rule...
Tinder's biggest sell...no, that's wrong. Your biggest selling point on this dating app is your image via your pictures. Nobody is going to be motivated to swipe right or read what you have to say, if your pictures put people off or just don't resonate. So, if you only remember one thing, keep this in mind; you only have 1 to 3 seconds to make an impression - yes! that's how fast our brains work in deciding - no, yes, maybe, hell no! or yes baby!
A Little Experiment
Go and take a look at your pictures right now - go on! Now try and be as objective as you possibly can and imagine that you are looking at these images for the very first time. Would You Be Impressed? Yes? No? Understand, that when I say "images" I am not talking about your looks or physique, I am talking about several clear displays of you and your friendliness, availability, enticement, relatability and a willingness to connect. If your imagery is on the money, someone that isn't even interested in you romantically or sexually, might still feel compelled to look at the rest of your photos out of admiration or curiosity.
Disgust At First Sight
In dating psychology, it is often cited that men are visual creatures; needing to see the 'goods' so that they can be suitably aroused, but let's be honest - so are women. The only real main difference between men and women when it comes to visual perception for the context of the dating game, is that men have been tasked with making the initial enquiry. And so when it comes to approaching a person (due to a physical attraction) the male gaze has always been the one considered and made out to be the important one. But realistically, women also have their own set of visual confirmation needs too...if they could just see our fingernails and shoes in advance, a lot of chosen men would have ended up on the left side heap for sure!
How To Improve Your Tinder Profile Pt.1 - Your Pictures
A) Your Main Picture; should not display you standing with anybody else. Why? Because if you are standing with someone else and let's say for starters that person is of the same sex, the first thing people must think is: which one are you?...and...oh no - in going through the photo carouseI to check, we've discovered that you are not the hot one we hoped for. Listen, you already have enough competition on the app, so stop making your life even harder. Psychologically, who stands out in a duo or group photo varies, but since the context is dating and relationships, by default we will immediately pinpoint the one that is most attractive to us. When it turns out that they are not you, the disappointment drives your desirability down. Now, If the picture of you is with a member of the opposite sex, then congratulations, our (hetrosexual) brains have automatically envisioned you being with someone else and if there is any form of touching, that makes it even worse - see where I'm going. When it comes to what I have termed "buddy" photos, I for one found myself eventually, immediately and automatically swiping left because I could no longer be bothered to workout who I was supposed to be assessing.
B) Bad Quality Photos; but do I even need to explain? It's either a case of not being able to see you properly through blurred, degraded images or a problem with distancing. Why are you so far away in the shot? Or why are you so close? Why is the photo so busy? This is not Facebook. We want clear identifiable photos to see what you look like, not how wonderful the mountain you are standing next to is. Why are you in the dark or in shadows?! If you are going to have an arty shot, then really think about the context of the app and let the impact hit correctly to sell you and not a holiday destination. There is a reason that passport and modelling photos (see Z cards) require you to have a neutral or clear pose, people need to be able to clearly identify what you really look like. Beyond that, have at least one photo that shows your teeth...
C) Image-Manipulation through heavy make-up, the prolific use of filters and other graphic modification tools, is one of the biggest mistakes you can make on any dating app. The moment you display a photo that doesn't look how you are going to appear in real life, you are setting yourself up for the worst, in-person rejection. I for one will not be willing to take the risk of a horrible reveal, so I see a filter and I gladly swipe left with no regrets. Please hear me when I say this: STOP USING FILTERS! and STOP USING FILTERS!
D) The Full Body Shot; is just as essential as the honest face profile. People who only show shoulders up can be perceived to be hiding their bodies and if you've happened to say in your bio that "I'm a curvy woman" or "I'm a muscular man" this is an opportunity missed. Whatever you say you are physically, show it. I have been stuck on a few profiles, including someone who swiped right for me because their photos were just close-ups of their faces.
E) One Photo, really? If you think that posting one photo is enough, then it better be the best and most strategically revealing photo in the whole gaaaard damn world. Showing off your face and body multiple times, with different angles conveys a whole heap of essential information. If you are unwilling, scared or can't be bothered for whatever reason to do this, then your bio better be a Pulitzer award-winning piece of prose.
F) Photos That Are Not Of You; memes, declarations, inspirational quotes, your knees, a patch of land, your slippers - please, nobody cares. These things are impersonal and even if you think they are accurately describing your values or personality, they will never replace another photo of you that could have clinched a person's interest in you and made them swipe right. Everytime you don't post a photo of you, you cut your viability down. Multiple photos showing your body and face is the equivalence to buying 9 lottery tickets - it gives you better odds than just buying one.
G) Photos with pets and drinks have been done to death, it's not the worst thing in the world, but I'd rather see another feature of you. Bottles and glasses obscuring your face as you drink from them and action shots (especially ones where we can't see your face and body) of you doing stuff should be part of your written bio instead. Be original.
H) The Thing That You Are Insecure About; may just be the thing that somebody is in to, sometimes to the point of a fetish. You will only give yourself anxiety hiding what you know has to be declared later on.
I) You Have Not One Single Photo Of Your Face; because you are married or involved and are looking to do some side-business, shady shenanigans...I suggest you use another website or app that specialises in this...or not - but what's the point on this app?
The Four Essential Photos:
1. Filter free, light to no make-up head shot.
2. Same as 1. but with teeth showing.
3. Full body shot - angle front.
4. Full body shot - angle side.
How To Improve Your Tinder Profile Pt.2 - Your Bio
A) No Bio! This is your chance to tell everyone who you are and what you want, this non-effort coupled with bad photos is a waste of cyberspace and everybody's time - why are you even on here? And, if people end up deciding what they want you for, you can't rightly get angry because if you had written something down, then they would have known what you were looking for and more importantly, what you weren't.
B) OK, So Tinder Can Attract Some Undesirables and it can get frustrating having to constantly deal with a certain type, but negative messaging in response, is still a turn-off. Do not dedicate any part of your bio to chastising types of people who have gotten on your nerves. Messaging like this: "If you're here just for sex, then don't even bother!" "I don't like...I don't want". "My kids come first, don't even try to compete". "I've got my s**t together so you should too". "Does any man actually want a relationship or just a f**k buddy". All of these comments show your frustration and anger and are all negative. Say things in the positive that just so happen to exclude these types of people. "I am looking for a long term relationship" says I am not going to entertain one night stands and hook-ups. "I have an affluent jetsetter lifestyle and am looking for someone to match" says you are looking for a man of means who has probably done very well in his career. This is where having a good bio can do a lot of the work for you. Also, height requirements and age boundaries added here can save you from having more of your time wasted.
C) Lack Of Originality; "I like taking long walks/hikes" is yawn inducing as it would apparently seem so do 20,000,000 other people. Use the "Passions" section to cite your interests, then use your actual description to detail things that no one could ever really guess about you. What is it about you that requires an explanation?
D) Don't Be Half In, Half Out; comments like "I don't really use this app" or "I will probably delete this app" all this says is you can't be bothered or you use to be bothered but in never getting the results you wanted - you got frustrated. Tinder is not a one-shop, solve all solution, it can be part of your dating quest, but it shouldn't be your whole game.
E) Similar to B), Stop Moaning About Why People Are On Tinder; as long as fellow app users are not lying about who they are and why they are here, everyone has the right to search for what they want. If their 'wants' annoy you, keep it moving - you don't have to get involved. If you match with someone and it turns out they were being deceitful or not being straight-forward, then say to them with immediacy that you want different things, unmatch them and move on.
F) When You Say You Are Hard-Working, what does that mean in relationship terms? That you are dedicated to work and have less time for romance? That a relationship will always come second - what exactly? I have seen a lot of people write this as if it is some sort of virtue in relation. When you write something down, think about how the reader has to interpret it for the context.
G) Listen To The General Consensus Of A Certain Common Desire; women will often say in their bios, "If you have your shirt off in a picture don't bother to..." fellas, that's your cue to keep your clothes on. But in general, we all need to start selling ourselves based on the universal principles that people are looking for and done correctly we should match with people on the same page. Another example also coming from the women's side, is the desire for a man to be taller than them. If the height difference is not wildly different, then you might take a chance, but also consider that she might wear heels and towering over you is not a look she will like.
H) Stop Lying About Your Age, or about anything. Some of you can't get away with this type of lie and it makes you look ridiculous.
I) I Have X Amount Of Children And They Are My World; unintended translation, "You will always be second in my life". Then again, if we couple that with "I work really hard" maybe, just maybe, a man looking for a serious relationship, doesn't see much space for him to fit in to your filled-up life. It's good to mention that you have children, but a declaration of them being absolutely everything to you kinda serves as a barrier, because if they are everything, then you don't need anybody else.
If it takes you 12 days to write a perfect profile - so be it! Treat you profile like it could secure you your dream job. Show quality, be positive and and write specific.
Driven to have it all, there has arisen a strong desire for individuals to fully and equally win, in the sectors of love, career and life. Emerging as part of our modern-age dating problems, daters are forgetting that a relationship has to actually work in tandem with another person's aspirations too. Overly concerned with getting all the things that we want from a partner, yet still insisting on maintaining a high level of autonomy for our own pursuits, singles are conjuring up ill-thought lists, in order to secure the perfect lifestyle...even if it's at the expense of their partner.
MEN: DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE BY YOUR CANDI(DATES)
When it comes to assessing relationships in the modern age, I think some of our biggest fears come under the banners of 'imbalance' and 'unfairness'. We don't want someone to love us for our money or what we can buy them. We don't want to be taken advantage of and we certainly don't want our worth to be determined by how good we are as living banks - well I don't. Despite the fights for equality through feminism and the much improved version - womanism, there still seems to be a tremendous amount of pressure on men in many societies to subscribe to patriarchal constructs and be the providers in the relationship no matter what the economic climate is. I do find it fascinating that some women have a complete disregard and obliviousness to the socio-economic times and will blindly cite; that part of being a real man is that he pay and provide for everything. I for one hate the term 'provider' and as for a 'real man' the definition is meaningless. A real man, is really a man that does everything that is expected of him by whichever woman he is negotiating with at the time and each woman has her own requirements of her partner.
Personally, I no longer mind what list of requirements a potential partner reels off to me during the entire getting to know you period. Whatever the list of conditions, desires, wants and preferences are and whether it gives me a chance to win or completely excludes me - I no longer mind because these demands are not personal. Does she want a man with multiple worldwide mansions, a fleet of cars, a private jet and the lifestyle that comes with that all or a simple unadventurous man who likes to take nature walks? Either way, the lists we will be subjected to pre-existed before we were on the scene and so however ridiculous or sane it is to us, our temperament should be the same - calm. In matters of love and in order to understand who would make better sense to our lives, we should all be accumulating wisdom from each failure, adding to our personal learning curve. Our latter choices in life would probably surprise our younger, more immature selves and in that retrospect we would probably see that many of our earlier choices started off with the wrong priorities. Most men would have probably put looks, physique and our lustful feelings ahead of everything else, that is until we kept on crashing into that hard wall, you know, the one with "dysfunction" graffitied all over it. Then, in being obsessed with how people operate and live because of our negative superficial experiences, we might then forget to look deeper into their character and see if we were actually compatible as a couple. Fellas! For the sake of saving time, be honest with yourself. Are you really the man she wants? If you aren't or cannot be that person - don't initiate a pretense! If you are disqualified for seemingly not being of a high-enough status, don't worry, or feel belittled or insulted. If you do find yourself to be eligible then the decision is about whether you are willing and genuinely inspired to go forward.
WOMEN: KNOW THE RELATING DUTIES OF WHAT YOU ASK FOR IN YOUR CANDI(DATES)
When it comes to assessing relationships in the modern age, one should be aware of the socio-economic and political climate in which they live in and ask "Do my expectations in the 21st century even make sense?" There was never a reason in the world to suggest that once women entered the workforce, that they wouldn't go on to be highly accomplished in their respective fields and also earn big salaries. But the delusion that an abundance of men would be out there to match every single one of you in finances and professional status was severely short-sighted. No man in looking for a woman ever cited that his future wife had to be from a certain profession and make a certain amount of money as essential parameters because these elements don't help form successful relationships. Also, back in the age where women didn't work, every single man who was employed, was always going to be 'higher' than you in monetary status which eliminated competition and disputes between the sexes about who paid for anything. In modern day dating, women are trying to apply an old fashioned ethos without considering the new fashioned element; which is that you earn money now. Your competition isn't just other women, but men who earn less than you who will still be eligible to women who either don't care about his salary or earn less. Using his matching pay cheque as a feature to determine worthiness is going to dramatically cull the amount of eligible men for you.
If you are someone who very much subscribes to traditional gender roles, then you have to understand the position you automatically put yourself in when you say "I believe a real man takes care and pays for everything". Historically, the man was the only one working - allowed to work, therefore that placed women where? In the home. Is it fair in modern times with some of these pitiful wages, to have your partner pay for everything, when you also work? Maybe. Maybe he earns enough, great for him and you. But what if he doesn't? Is a man unworthy because he can't pay for everything? Are you willing to lose out on the love of your life for that reason? I often wonder why some women don't think they are supposed to contribute. There are plenty of households that couldn't even begin to survive without 2-4 separate pay packets and I often wonder what this hoarded money is supposed to be for for anyway? Maybe there is a plan to buy a second property using separately saved assets - well in that case good on you, but I would bet in most cases there really isn't a specific reason, other than subscribing to a part of patriarchy that works in your favour. Bizarre to me, I can't figure out why a person wouldn't want to invest and contribute to the setting up of their own life.
When talking about the traditional relationship model, I don't often hear women cite the position they are supposed to play in direct correlation to the one a man is supposed to. And truth be told, I actually think women have forgotten where the ideology that they are espousing comes from. When you have deemed what a real man is and does and he willingly complies, surely he can then insist that you play a real woman in the directly correlating position, that comes from the same exact ideology and format? Which would put you back into the domestic modes of the 1950s and before. You therefore would be in the home doing every domestic chore under the sun and primarily taking care of all the needs of the kids. Don't forget, the format was that a woman would live in her family house, where her father would take care of everything until she got married, then she would go and live in her breadwinner husband's house and take care of the home. Everytime you talk about the traditional man of patriarchy (which by the way also gives him the final say so on everything), remember that his partner would play the role of housewife - THEY CAME TOGETHER and that is what you are subscribing to when you talk about a man's responsibility to pay for everything.
Now, after all the education you've received and the climbing of ladders in the workplace you've had to go through, are you still willing to enforce these gender roles and play that correlating position? If you are deliberately looking to be served and have your entire existence provided to you by your man, then worry not. As long as you're honest up front, I guarantee you that there are hoards of men out there willing to comply and myself personally would have the greatest respect for your honesty. But don't lie. Don't say you believe that this is a man's role, when in truth you just don't want to take on any of those roles yourself - even though you do asa single person.
All I am ultimately saying is this; get in, where you fit in; find a man of equal or higher status (monetarily too) and have the same values. But the lying has to stop! I am tired of these mish mash ideologies that were not born together, being forcibly made to collide and hold. They are contradictory systems if you want patriarchal privileges but feminist freedoms then just say it. But some of you have ideals that border on being business deals to such a degree, that I would wholeheartedly suggest that you take a look at Victorian style marriages as a good template for what you are really looking for.
STOP DATING DOWN (IN AT 3:24)
DATING DOWN - THE STATUS, THE SENSE AND THE SNOBBERY
Even though socio-economic times have changed for women, the old formats from patriarchy are still being clung to like a life preserver in a storm. Women are complaining that they can't find men that equal them in salary and so they are having to date down. Tell me something, when you meet a man that earns more than you, is he dating down? No. Why? Because patriarchy dictates that the man is supposed to be the breadwinner anyway, so him earning more than a woman is apparently how it's supposed to be. The conclusion I have come to is this; people are being inflexible, short-sighted and selfish, to the degree that the systems that were put in place to hold them down are being adored (in part) if it means they can either be mercilessly in charge (MEN), get something for nothing (WOMEN) or forever be served (MEN & WOMEN). We have entered an age of Pic'n'Mix politics, where if it benefits us we will select a little slice here and there from various ideologies, ignoring the rest, even if the full ideology was invented to maintain a status quo through oppression.
The selfishness and lack of understanding is too extreme and the moment that you only focus on what you can get and what you can get away from giving, is the moment that you should consider being in a relationship that is constructed as an arrangement. I understand the practicalities of equal status, I really do, but in part it now makes a lot of what is being pursued outside of a relationship redundant, as in why have a brilliant job that pays well, if the criteria for a worthy man now becomes that he too should have a brilliant job that pays more. Are you going to remain single because you don't want to pay for anything even if you have lots of money? Are you going to prolong your singleness until a man matches or supersedes your salary? With relationship politics that have too many contradictions within them and with the worldwide economic realities getting worse, you'll discover way too late, that the success of a relationship is not based around money.
SUCCESSFUL WOMEN ARE UNHAPPY THAT THEY HAVE TO DATE DOWN
Having graduated from the Home Page, RC and IK are now embarking on their own blogging adventures to examine the world of social curiosities and romantic anthropology.